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CUPID and HYMEN; Or, a VOYAGE to the ISLES of LOVE and MATRIMONY.

CONTAINING A moſt Diverting Account of the Inhabitants of thoſe Two Vaſt and Populous Countries, their Laws, Cuſtoms and Government.

INTERSPERS'D With many uſeful Directions and Cautions how to avoid the dangerous Precipices and Quickſands that theſe Iſlands abound with, and wherein ſo many Thouſands who have undertaken the Voyage, have miſerably periſhed.

Tranſlated from the FRENCH Original.

To which is added, The BATCHELOR'S ESTIMATE of the Expences attending a Married Life. The MARRIED MAN'S Anſwer to it: And a Vindication of the ESTIMATE.

By JOHN SINGLE, of Gray's-Inn, Eſq

LONDON: Printed for T. COOPER, at the Globe in Pater-noſter-Row, and ſold by the Bookſellers in Town and Country. 1742.

TO CHLOE, WITH THE VOYAGE to the Iſland of LOVE.
A VOYAGE to the Iſland of LOVE.

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CHLOE the following Piece peruſe with Care,
It of a moſt delicous Country treats;
Nor is it difficult to travel there;
You may the Voyage make between the Sheets.

IT is but juſt, dear Bellamour, that I ſhould let you hear from me; and that after a Year's Abſence, you ſhou'd at laſt be deliver'd from the Uneaſineſs, which the Uncertainty of my Fate has undoubtedly given you. I have ſeen abundance of the World ſince my leaving you, but am not ſure whether, in my preſent Condition, I ſhall have Reſolution enough to give you any tolerable Account of my Travels: 'Tis adding to my preſent Affliction to call to mind my paſt Sorrows; [2] and 'tis increaſing my preſent Pain, making my old Wounds bleed aſreſh, to take a Survey, even in Imagination, of thoſe Pleaſures, whereof nothing now is remaining but cruel Remembrance. I believe however, that it will be no ſmall Conſolation to me, to communicate to one of my beſt Friends, both my paſt Pleaſures and Afflictions; Complaining is ſome Eaſe to a Perſon in Miſery; I ſhall forget my Sorrows whilſt I am relating my Adventures, and for a Moment make a Truce with my Heart-breaking Anguiſh.

'Tis now about a Year, as you may remember, ſince I embark'd on the wide Ocean, with ſeveral other Perſons, of all Ages, and Conditions, but moſt of them very giddy-headed, in ſearch of a delicious Country, named Pleaſure, whereof we had all of us heard a moſt inchanting Deſcription. Charm'd with the Thoughts of the Delights we were there to enjoy, we ſail'd for ſome Days peaceably, and nothing was to be heard but Mirth and Gayety, from one End of the Veſſel to the other; when pretty near an Iſland, where we intended to have taken in Reſreſhments, there aroſe ſo ſurious a Tempeſt, and the Wind was ſo boiſterous, that in ſpite of the utmoſt Skill and Endeavours of the Pilot, it drove us with Violence to a Coaſt quite oppoſite to that to which we were bound: In this Condition, we were [3] toſs'd up and down, between four and five Days; after which the Weather began to clear up, the Sun ſhone out with greater Luſtre than ever, and we found our ſelves not far off of a beautiful Iſland, which ſeem'd almoſt cover'd with the moſt delightful Gardens, or rather, which ſeem'd one continued Garden, and a ſecond terreſtrial Paradiſe. Raviſh'd with the numberleſs Beauties, which every where offer'd themſelves to our Eye, we were all curious to know the Name of that inviting Country, imagining it that to which we were bound, and that the Pilot had put an agreeable Cheat upon us, when he inform'd us that we had been driven ſo far out of our Way. But there happen'd to be a Man on board the Ship who undeceived us, having before made the Tour of the Iſland; accordingly he gave us the following Information.

This charming Iſle, which raviſhes the Sight,
Is ſacred to the God of ſoft Deſires;
Who to all Mankind's Homage claims a Right,
And ev'ry Breaſt inflames with am'rous Fires.
None 'ſcape his Pow'r, all feel the tingling Dart,
The Young, the Old, the Monarch, and the Slave;
Who is exempt therefrom that has a Heart,
The Weak, the Strong, the Coward, or the Brave?
[4] Once in their Lives here all a Viſit make,
And quit their Home to ſee this happy Iſle;
Here their moſt ardent Wiſhes Center take,
Dependent on the Fair One's Frown or Smile,
Ten Thouſand different Ways you here may land,
No Wind's amiſs to bring you into Port;
No Chains, no Guards, to bar the Entrance ſtand,
All Sides lie open for a free Reſort.
Th' Agreeables, the Beauties, Graces, Charms,
Have all the Ports committed to their Care;
And making uſe of Love's reſiſtleſs Arms,
Let fly at all, and not a Heart they ſpare.

Whilſt this Man was giving us this Information, we ſtill drew nearer and nearer to the Iſland; till by that Time he had made an End we were come ſo nigh that we cou'd diſtinguiſh every Object.

Here the ſtill Ocean quiet flows,
As the leaſt Chryſtal purling Streams;
No Wind but the ſoft Zephyr blows,
And o'er the level Surface ſkims;
Whoſe pleaſing Murmurs whilſt you hear,
In ſporting with the wanton Seas;
That Nature's Self did ſleep you'd ſwear,
And therefore left the World at Peace.
[5] A Thouſand Flowers along the Shore,
The Pink, the Lilly, and the Roſe,
With Pleaſure vye their beauteous Store,
Yet the leaſt Wonders there diſcloſe.

In Effect, all along the Shore, one ſees an infinite Number of Things, that create Admiration; all the Beauties and Graces, all that is agreeable and charming is perpetually to be beheld there; but what ſurprized me the moſt was, to obſerve both the Old, and the Ugly, in Company with the Agreeables: I could not forbear expreſſing my Aſtoniſhment thereat; whereupon the ſame Man, who had given us the abovementioned Information, inſtructed me farther as follows,

Love, with his Darts does ev'ry Mortal wound,
And as he's the moſt powerful of Kings,
That on Earth, in Sea, or in Heav'n is found,
By various Means all in Subjection brings:
Thus 'tis that he, to aggravate the Pains,
Of thoſe who inſolent his Pow'r deride,
Makes them of worthleſs Objects wear the Chains
And tremble at that God they once defy'd.

Whilſt he was thus inſtructing me, I was wholly taken up with gazing, with an Attention that is not uſual with me, upon a young Lady, who was [6] walking upon the Sea Shore; ſhe was in the Midſt of the Beauties and Graces, and eclipſed their Brightneſs by the Luſtre of her Charms: I muſt own to you, that ſhe gain'd a Conqueſt over me at firſt Sight.

For all the various Charms, that can adorn
A blooming Virgin, in her Perſon met;
A Milk-white Skin, Cheeks roſy as the Morn,
A Mouth with even Rows of Ivory ſet;
Lips Coral red, and ſuing to be preſs'd,
Eyes that would ſtir an Anchoret's Deſire;
A Faultleſs Shape, imagine all the Reſt,
Then ſay, who would not at her Feet expire?

In the mean while Ten or a Dozen little Boats looſed from the Shore; theſe Boats were all embelliſh'd with the moſt beauteous Flowers, and their Cordage was of Silk, of a hundred different Colours. Several little Cupids were the Rowers to conduct theſe Boats, whilſt numberleſs Zephyrs flying round them, and fanning the Flowers continually with their gentle Breezes, filled the Air with an agreeable Odour, and at the ſame Time wafted the little Fleet to us in Peace.

When they were come up with our Veſſel, we were entertained with an admirable Concert [7] of Muſick, wherein ſome exquiſite fine Voices ſung as follows,

Ye Mortals, who, inflam'd with am'rous Fires,
Would of this Life the choiceſt Pleaſures prove;
Come to our Iſle, and there have your Deſires;
There is no ſolid Pleaſure without Love.

At the ſame Time the Zephyrs hovering around us, ſtretched out their Hands, and with a ſweet Smile ſeemed to invite us to accompany them. All theſe ſurprizing Wonders had charmed me to ſuch a Degree, that I was no longer Maſter of myſelf: That inchanting Beauty whom I had ſeen, and whom I burnt with Impatience of Rejoining, with ſomewhat, I know not what, that ſeized my Heart at the ſame Inſtant, made me reſolve to go aſhore upon the Iſland; accordingly I held out my Hands, and the Zephyrs took me up, and carried me into a Boat, where the little Cupids received me with a thouſand Demonſtrations of Kindneſs.

There were ſeveral in our Veſſel who followed my Example, but there were others likewiſe who ſtay'd behind, and laugh'd at us, inſomuch that I was aſtoniſhed at their Inflexibility, when they cry'd after us jearing;

[8]
Go giddy Heads, thoſe real Pleaſures taſte,
Which in Love's Vanities are to be found;
You'll tell your Thoughts thereof, when once they're paſt,
If e'er you 'ſcape from that inchanted Ground.

In the mean While we made the beſt of our Way, accompanied with Conſorts of Muſick, and covered with Flowers; and in a little While we got ſafe aſhore.

Soon as one lands, a Goddeſs charming fair,
The Miſtreſs of the Prudent and Diſcreet,
Reaſon, whoſe Eyes ſo bright and Piercing are,
Obſtructs our paſſing on, and crys, Retreat.
But oh! the dazzled Senſe denies its Aid,
And hides her beauteous Features from our Eyes;
'Till left amidſt her Foes, the charming Maid,
Finds that no Man in Love was ever wiſe.

Accordingly I went on without minding her Preaching, and ran full of Impatience towards the Place, where I had ſeen the inchanting Creature, who had induced me to land in that Country; but juſt as I approached her, a Man whom I ſaw near her, ſtruck a Terror into me with a ſingle Look. He was tall, and of a good Mein, but very grave and ſerious; his Eyes were very modeſt, and his [9] Aſpect very ſubmiſſive, and when he looked upon me, he held his Finger upon his Mouth, like the Figure of the God Silence. A young Maiden accompanied him, who trode in his very Steps, and mimick'd his every Action and Geſture, looking at every Turn round about her to ſee if ſhe was obſerved. A little Love, who from that Time devoted himſelf to my Service, to bear me Company in my Travels, and to inſtruct me, gave me the following Information.

He whom you there behold with Looks ſevere,
Is call'd Reſpect, and is the Child of Love;
Got on Eſteem; great is his Credit here,
Him therefore court, if you'd ſucceſsful prove:
They who neglect to follow his Advice,
Are very ſeldom Fav'rites with the Fair,
To buy his Friendſhip, Silence is the Price,
And even the Language of the Eyes forbear:
She who ſo conſtant on his Steps does wait,
Is call'd Precaution, circumſpect, and wiſe,
Of diſcreet Love, th'inſeparable Mate,
In Love one muſt have every Way one's Eyes.

Being inſtructed by ſuch a good Maſter, I paid great Civility to Reſpect, and Precaution, and deſired their Friendſhip, which they both granted me with a very good Grace: This done, I advanced [10] trembling towards the fair One, who had charm'd me, and begged her to do me the Honour to let me hand her, which ſhe granted with Haughtineſs enough; and after having talked for ſome Time about Things indifferent, ſhe left me and went her Way.

As Night drew on, Love conducted me to a little Village, that was very near, where I had a very ſorry Lodging: This Village is called Anxiety, from the Name of the Lady of the Mannor, to whom we made a Viſit. It is hardly poſſible to give you a tolerable Deſcription of this Woman, for ſhe cannot ſit one Moment in the ſame Place, or Poſture: One Minute ſhe is ſtanding, another Minute ſhe lies down; ſometimes ſhe walks a Snail's Pace, at another Time ſhe runs ſo ſwift it is impoſſible to keep up with her; ſhe never ſleeps, which makes her very lean and hagged; then ſhe is very negligent of herſelf, having her Hair always diſhevell'd, and in terrible Diſorder, but eſpecially about her Forehead, by Reaſon ſhe is oſten rubbing it. After having paid my Reſpects to her, whereof ſhe took no Manner of Notice, I went to my Lodging, and laid me down upon a Bed, but could get no Reſt, the beautiful Charmer being always preſent in my Thought, which cauſed me to make the following Reflection.

[11]
My Words disjointed are, and wild,
Continual Sighs break off my Speech;
I'm of my Liberty beguil'd,
And Reaſon's Aid in vain beſeech.
Has not Zelinda, charming Queen,
Bound my Heart Captive in her Chains?
E'er I her beauteous Face had ſeen,
I never felt ſuch cruel Pains.

Next Morning I aroſe very early, and Love conducted me to another Village, whoſe Name is Courtſhip; it is very different from Anxiety, being in my Opinion, one of the moſt agreeable Places in the whole Country.

There one may tender Lovers ſee,
In Crowds flock thither every Day;
Near th'Object of their Vows to be,
And with them ſport the Time away:
There ev'ry Houſe is deck'd with Flow'rs,
All ſeems magnificent and gay;
In Feaſts and Balls they ſpend the Hours,
And Care and Sorrow put away.
All Vice is likewiſe baniſh'd thence,
Nor ſuffered in this bleſt Retreat;
Ev'n Miſers laviſh there their Pence,
Bleſs'd if therewith a Smile they get.
[12] Nay, the moſt froward Mortals ſtrive,
Themſelves agreeable to make;
And the moſt ſtupid Sotts alive,
Learn Wit, and off their Folly ſhake.
The Penſive too, no longer dumb,
Finds there a Tongue, and talks with Eaſe;
In ſhort there's none who thither come,
But ſtudy all they can to pleaſe.

In Effect, there is nothing to be ſeen there but continual Gallantry: Neatneſs, Magnificence, Complaiſancy, and good Humour reſide there perpetually; in ſhort, every Thing there is done with the beſt Grace in the World.

As ſoon as I arrived there, I found myſelf in the moſt complaiſant Humour imaginable, beſides which, nothing could be more ingenious at inventing new Pleaſures to divert Zelinda. With this Deſign, after having dreſſed myſelf very genteelly, Love conducted me to viſit her, better ſatisfied with myſelf than I had ever before been in my Life; but we were forced at Night to return and lie at Anxiety, becauſe there is no Lodging to be had at Courtſhip, inſomuch that I paſſed that Night again very diſagreeably, through my Impatience to ſee Zelinda, and enjoyed but one Hour's ſound Repoſe, wherein my ſleeping Fancy [13] entertained me with a Dream, that was perfectly agreeable.

Methought, I ſaw my charming Dear,
Within my Arms expiring lye;
But ſhe reviv'd more killing Fair,
So ſweet the Death was ſhe did dye.
Methought I ſaw a While o'ercaſt,
The wonted Luſtre of her Eyes,
'Till languiſhing ſhe ſunk at laſt
Upon my Breaſt in Extaſies.
But on my waking I perceiv'd,
'Twas all a fleeting Dream, no more;
And griev'd, in Sleep, to be deceiv'd
To wake more wretched than before.

I returned early next Morning to Courtſhip, where I was daily better and better treated by Zelinda, inſomuch that the Nights, which I was forced to paſs at Anxiety, gave me very little Diſquiet; but after ſome Time, having done all that lay in my Power to appear agreeable in Zelinda's Eyes, ſhe went one Day to another Village, which is call'd, Good Reception, from the Name of the Lord of the Manor, who is the moſt obliging and moſt complaiſant Man in the World: He is mighty eaſy of Acceſs, and receives every Body very well. The Inhabitants of [14] the Place are likewiſe mighty civil; and Zelinda being willing to be conformable, after the Example of others, treated me very obligingly, and gave me Room to imagine, by her Behaviour, that ſhe was not at all diſpleaſed at the Sight of me.

Hereupon Love conducted me to Hope, where I took up my Lodging, it being a large and beautiful City, vaſtly populous, by Reaſon of the daily Arrival of Thouſands, who flock thither from all Parts. Nevertheleſs, the greateſt Part of this City is built upon Sand, and without any Foundation, which makes it very often fall to Ruin; But the other Part ſtands upon a pretty good Foundation: for which Reaſon, it has almoſt, always, continued in its firſt State. This whole City is ſituated upon the River Pretenſions, which takes its Riſe from a Mountain of the ſame Name, bordering upon Hope. This River is perfectly pleaſant, but it is dangerous imbarking thereon, which is the very Reaſon, why the Houſes built upon its Banks are generally thrown down; but whilſt they remain ſtanding, the fineſt Palaces don't equal them for Beauty of their Proſpect.

This pleaſant River is famous for the Ruin of divers illuſtrious Perſons; nevertheleſs, I was tempted to bathe myſelf therein; and Love would have let me plunge in inconſiderately enough when I met Reſpect, followed by Precaution, who [15] ſtop'd me by the Arm, and told me, that it was the ready Way to ruin me, and that I ought to be contented with continuing in Hope, without going to expoſe myſelf in the dangerous River Pretenſions.

Hereupon I thank'd him for his good Advice, and took a Walk towards that Part of the Town which is fartheſt from the River: There it is that the Palace of the Princeſs Hope ſtands, who is reckoned the Oracle of the Iſland of Love, although it is not very ſafe relying upon what ſhe ſays; for,

Fair Promiſes ſhe always makes,
Which Promiſes full oft ſhe breaks;
In Love to perſevere decoys,
And buoys us up with promis'd Joys;
Nay, often bids thoſe Wretches live,
Who the next Hour their Doom receive.

By entering her Palace, one meets the Thoughts, which are always upon the Wing, and fly ſometimes high, ſometimes low, and ſometimes in the Middle of the Air; according as the Fancy takes them; for my Part, I happened upon ſuch as were diſcreet enough, for they always kept an even Flight. I went afterwards to ſee the Princeſs Hope, who is actually a very amiable Lady: [16] She has a perpetual Smile in her Countenance, and a moſt ſweet, and moſt engaging Look; one is never tired of her Company; ſhe comforts the moſt afflicted, animates the Courage of the Proud, and flatters agreeably thoſe who are not unreaſonable in their Deſires: when I went to pay her my Reſpects, two Men entered her Apartment, at the ſame Time, with me; one whereof had placed his Affections on one ſo much his Superior, that he durſt not promiſe himſelf any good Iſſue from his Paſſion; and the other, who was in the ſame Caſe, hoped for all Things from his good Fortune! I muſt own, I could not help admiring the artful Addreſs of the Princeſs, in comforting one and animating the other: To the firſt ſhe ſaid,

Time and Reſpect o'ercome all Obſtacles:
And Love, unſhaken, may do Miracles.

And turning to the other, ſaid,

'Tis great and glorious, ſure, ſhe cry'd,
T'abaſe a haughty Beauty's Pride;
And when you make th' Attempt in vain,
'Tis great, by Death, to end your Pain,

As for my Part, when I had told my Caſe, [17] as ſhe found me not to be unreaſonable, ſhe ſaid,

You all may hope for, from your prudent Love,
And the Fair, one Day, will your Flames approve.

Although I very well knew, that ſhe conſtantly flattered every Body, I could not help being delighted with her Anſwer; and it left ſuch a pleaſing Impreſſion upon my Mind, that I reſted better that Night than I had done ſome Time before; and the next Morning Love would have conducted me to Declaration: But as we were on the Way thither, we were again met by Reſpect, who was very much out of Humour, and told me, that I ought not to be in ſuch Poſt-Haſte; he even reprimanded Love pretty ſharply, which the little Tyrant not being able to bear, with any Manner of Patience, cryed out in a great Paſſion,

What! always ſigh, and bear eternal Pains!
Always love on, and wear a Tyrant's Chains?
Perhaps too dye at laſt, and yet not dare,
At the laſt Gaſp, one's Suff'rings to declare!
Or know, when a poor Wretch expiring lies,
If ſhe, who caus'd his Death, will with him ſympathize?
[18] Muſt one, to happy be, the Venture run,
Whether the cruel Fair, e'er Life be gone,
Laying aſide her Haughtineſs, will deign
To take ſome Pity, and to end his Pain;
And not conſider it may be too late,
And Culprit firſt may have reſign'd to Fate!

Hereupon Reſpect told him that ſhould not be my Caſe, and that, if I would be adviſed by him, my Paſſion ſhould be ſoon known without going to Declaration: That, as for the reſt, I ſhould always find Zelinda at the Place to which he would conduct me, whereas ſhe would, perhaps ſtay but one Day at Declaration, after which I ſhould never ſee her more. I ſuffered myſelf to be prevailed on, by theſe Reaſons, notwithſtanding all that Love could urge to the contrary, and went with him to a ſtrong Fortreſs whereof he is Governor: It is a Citadel well fortified with ſeveral impregnable Baſtions, whoſe Walls are ſo high, that the Eye cannot reach the Top of them, and ſo ſtrong, and ſo thick, that it is impoſſible to ſhake them.

Modeſty, Silence, and Secreſy guard the only Gate there is to this Fortreſs, which, nevertheleſs is but a very little Wicket. Modeſty is a Woman of great Gravity, but without affecting to appear ſo; her Eyes have a reſolute Look, accompanied with a great deal of Reſervedneſs; and ſhe goes always very [19] plainly dreſs'd, having her Arms and her Neck continually covered up very cloſe, ſo as not to be ſeen by any one, eſpecially any Men. Silence exactly reſembles the Pictures you have ſeen of him, having a ſullen. Look with his Eyes, and holding always one Finger upon his Mouth. As for Secreſy, he is hardly ever to be ſeen, keeping himſelf generally concealed in an obſcure Corner, whence he never ſtirs out but when it is very ſeaſonable, and if he ſpeaks ſometimes, it is very low, and in a Whiſper; but he has excellent Parts, and his Sagacity is ſo great, that he underſtands every Body at the leaſt Sign in the World. He entered this Citadel in the Retinue of Reſpect, without ſpeaking a Word, and almoſt by Stealth, and we ſaw that,

In cloſe Retirement lives each Family,
And all is done with th'utmoſt Privacy;
No Balls, or Serenades alarm the Ear,
Nor i'th Streets any, but at Night appear;
All Perſons there, their own Affairs attend,
Without intruſting Confident, or Friend:
There Lovers ſeldom meet, but keep away,
Forc'd a Conſtraint on their Deſires to lay;
There they muſt ſuffer, yet not dare complain,
Tho' then oppreſs'd, with the moſt cruel Pain.
[20] This is the School where Lovers learn to try,
The ſoft perſueſive Language of the Eye;
That ſilent Language, which ſo well imparts
The inmoſt Thoughts, and Wiſhes of our Hearts;
Which, without ſpeaking, can the Mind explain,
And tell us all its Joy, and all its Pain.

This Citadel is called Diſcretion, from the Name of the Daughter of Reſpect, whom he has made his Deputy, and who commands the Fortreſs under him. She is a Lady of great Beauty, though not of the Sort that pleaſes at firſt Sight; but they who are uſed to her Company are very fond of her Converſation; Her Eyes are inexpreſſibly piercing and lively, inſomuch, that when they pleaſe, they can make themſelves underſtood by every Body; and ſhe has the Look of a Perſon of the greateſt Modeſty and Reſervedneſs, through which, nevertheleſs, one may diſcover abundance of Addreſs and Wit, which ſhe never fails to make uſe of, whenever ſhe ſees Occaſion.

After paying my Reſpects to her, I inquired artfully where Zelinda lodged, which, when I was informed, I took up my Quarters in a Houſe that was a good Diſtance from thence, and even when I chanced to meet her, all my Diſcourſe was upon Subjects quite different from Love: Thus did I continue a conſiderable Time in the Citadel, [21] leading a very miſerable Life, and holding no Correſpondence with any.

With falling Tears my Cheeks I ſtain'd,
With Grief and Anguiſh worn away,
'Till but a Skeleton remain'd,
Of Strephon, once ſo blithe and gay:
Yet I ne'er let Zelinda hear
My Groans, or in the leaſt complain,
But waited with Reſpect and Fear,
'Till ſhe, or Death, ſhould end my Pain.

The little Love, my Companion, and Inſtructor, took Compaſſion on me, and would have left me, but I expreſſed ſuch a Value and ſo much Kindneſs for him, that he could not reſolve abſolutely upon it.

After ſome Time, I became yet more miſerable than ever; for Zelinda having diſcovered my Love by my Actions, removed from thence, and took up her Abode in the Cave of Cruelty. This Cave is in the Hole of a Rock, ſo ſteep and rugged, that it is very difficult to aſcend it; the Entrance is forbidden to all Lovers; for which Reaſon there is a ſtrong Guard of Tygers placed at the Mouth, to prevent their getting in. I would have ſtopped Zelinda, juſt as ſhe was upon the Point of entering, but was hind'red by a Woman [22] of the largeſt Size, who was very ugly, and had a Savage Look: Her Eyes ſticks out of her Head, ſhe has great, lean, long Arms, with prodigious long Nails, like Eagle's Talons; treats every Body with a great deal of Haughtineſs and Contempt, and takes a Pleaſure in torm enting all who approach her; in ſhort, one, only, of her Looks is enough to cauſe Deſpair.

Her Name is Cruelty, Love's deadly Foe,
Whoſe ſole Delight's in Miſery and Woe;
A hideous Monſter, dreadful to the Sight,
From whom, one ſingle Look, the boldeſt would affright.
Yet is ſhe join'd, ſo 'tis decreed by Fate,
To Youth, and Beauty, as their conſtant Mate.

For my Part, I was ſtruck with ſuch a Terror on her firſt Approach, that not being able to ſupport her Looks, I withdrew haſtily, and went to the Side of a large Torrent, which falls, with Violence from the Top of the Rock.

From Lovers Eyes, this Torrent takes its Source,
Whoſe ſtreaming Tears, its rapid Channel fill;
And down the Rock precipitates its Courſe,
Whilſt, with its Fall, reſounds each neighb'ring Hill.
[23] Its flowing Streams ſoften the hardeſt Stone;
Its plaintive Murmurs fill the Woods around;
Stern Cruelty remains unmov'd alone,
Whilſt Trees, and Rocks, are melted with the Sound.

This Torrent is ſurrounded by a very thick and gloomy Foreſt, whoſe Trees all bear the Marks of ſome diſconſolate Lover; their Bark being all full of their melancholy Stones and Complaints; the whole Foreſt reſounds with nothing but Cries and Reproaches; and that talkative Nymph, Eccho, repeats nothing but mournful and lamentable Expoſtulations; in ſhort, one hears nothing but Death talked of in this diſmal Place. It was there, that deſpairing of being ever able to draw Zelinda out of the Arms of Cruelty, I frequently cry'd out.

Alas! Zelinda, cruel and ſevere,
Won't Death, at leaſt, draw from your Eyes a Tear?
Theſe Woods, and Rocks, are ſoften'd with my Grief,
And had they Pow'r, would give me ſome Relief;
But you, Zelinda, cruel, beauteous Fair,
Cauſe all my Woes, yet leave me to deſpair.

[24] Thus did I make all the neighbouring Ecchoes reſound with my Complaints; never having any Reſt, nor ceaſing from ſhedding Floods of Tears: My uſual Employment was to walk round the Rock, where I ſometimes met Zelinda, but ſhe was always in Company with Cruelty, whom I endeavour'd in vain to mollify by all Manner of Submiſſions. At laſt, one Day, when I was in a more deſpairing Temper of Mind than I had ever been before, Love conducted me to the Side of a certain Lake:

Deſpair's dire Lake, where Nymphs and Swains forlorn,
Ceaſe to be Objects of their Victor's Scorn;
Hopeleſs to be belov'd, worn out with Pain,
And having languiſh'd Months and Years in vain,
Finding their Loves inexorable quite,
And liftleſs without them to bear the Light,
Thither they come, reſolv'd to end the Strife,
And put an End at once to Love and Life.
Birds of ill Omen hover in the Air,
And by their croaking Noiſe inſpire Deſpair;
Whilſt Thouſands of wild Swans a Conſort make,
And ſing their mournful Dirges on the Lake;
Whoſe plaintive Harmony, and dying Strains,
Seem to lament th' expiring Lovers Pains.

[25] Several diſconſolate Lovers walk along the Sides of the Lake, and I ſaw ſome who threw themſelves into it headlong; I was once tempted to do the ſame, but before I attempted to put the deſperate Deſign in Execution, (a Deſign to which Nature is always repugnant) I imagin'd it better upon ſecond Thoughts to endeavour once more to mollify Zelinda, and that Monſter Cruelty. To this Purpoſe, I went and laid myſelf at the Entrance of the Cave, with a firm Reſolution never to ſtir from thence, till I ſhould ſee Zelinda come out. There it was, that by a Flood of Tears, and innumerable heart-breaking Sighs, I made my Complaints heard even to the Bottom of the Cave, for which I was frequently very ill uſed by Cruelty; In ſhort, I believe I ſhould at laſt have ſunk under my Pains, if Love had not given me a Piece of very wholeſome Counſel, which ſav'd my Life. One Day, when I was ſwallow'd up with Grief, I ſaw a very agreeable Maiden paſs by me, who ſhed Tears as ſhe looked upon me, and ſeem'd by her Countenance to beſtow thoſe Tears upon my Misfortunes.

Alas! ſhe ſeem'd to ſay, unhappy Swain!
How do I pity all thy Grief and Pain?
[26] Thy tender Paſſion, and thy ardent Love,
Deſerv'd not that thy Fair ſhould cruel prove.

I thought myſelf ſo much obliged to this Maiden, that I aſk'd her Name, and Love told me that it was Pity, who uſed frequently to come thus, and endeavour to oblige ſome unfortunate Lover; and that if ſhe wou'd eſpouſe my Cauſe, ſhe wou'd certainly engage Zelinda to come out of the Cave of Cruelty.

In order to follow his Counſel, I endeavour'd to prevail upon Pity, by letting her know my deplorable Condition, which ſhe was ſo much moved with, that ſhe promis'd to uſe her utmoſt Efforts to aſſiſt me: Accordingly it was not long before ſhe made me ſenſible of the good Effects of her Promiſes; for taking a Turn round the Rock ſhe at laſt diſcover'd Zelinda, and with Tears in her Eyes gave her an Account of my melancholy Condition, and that in ſuch moving Language that it drew likewiſe Tears from the beauteous Eyes of the inhuman Fair One. Pity finding ſhe had moved her Compaſſion, conducted her to the Place where I lay, and ſhew'd her the miſerable State to which ſhe had reduced me; Zelinda could not help being ſenſibly affected with the melancholy Sight, and accordingly, not only began to give Ear to my amorous Reproaches, [27] but approved thereof, and at laſt reſolved to put an End to them: Cruelty, who was informed of her Deſign, wou'd have prevented it, but Pity thruſt her back very roughly, and reſtored Zelinda to me, who, raiſing me up, ſaid;

Strephon, at length, thy Paſſion I approve,
Thank Pity here, the beauteous Child of Love:
Her Words have forc'd their Paſſage to my Breaſt,
And me with tender Thoughts of thee poſſeſs'd;
Live then, I give thee Leave, fond Strephon, live,
And with this pleaſing Hope thy Heart revive;
That with thy Paſſion won, I ſhall, one Day,
With endleſs Love thy Conſtancy repay.

'Tis impoſſible to expreſs the Joy I felt at theſe Words; I ſaw myſelf in a Moment, from the moſt miſerable of Mankind, become the happieſt Mortal in the Univerſe, inſomuch that, in my Raptures, I cry'd out;

Rejoice, my Heart, Zelinda is appeas'd,
No longer think then on thy Suff'rings paſt;
But prize that Life wherewith ſhe's not diſpleas'd,
And think what Joys may crown it at the laſt.
[28] When on the dreadful Brink of Death thou ſtood'ſt,
Her beauteous Hand up-rais'd thee from the Grave;
In common Juſtice then, my Heart, thou ſhoud'ſt
Devote to her that Life which ſhe did ſave.

Behold me then more happy than I ever durſt have hoped to have been, inſomuch that I bleſs'd a Thouſand Times a Day all the Pains I had ſuffer'd, and they vaniſh'd from my Thoughts in a Moment.

But Pity did not reſt contented with bringing Zelinda out of that diſagreeable Abode, ſhe likewiſe carried her on to Confidence, and then left us to go and aſſiſt ſome other Lover in Diſtreſs. I conjured her, however, at parting, to remember that I ſhou'd always ſtand in need of her Good Offices, whereupon ſhe promiſed me her Aſſiſtance in Caſe of Neceſſity, and which was more, committed us into the Hands of Confidence, who own'd the Village where ſhe took Leave of us.

This Village, properly ſpeaking, is but a Pleaſure-Houſe, but the moſt agreeable, in my Opinion, in the whole Iſland. As to Confidence, ſhe is a Maiden Lady, who has an open frank Look, inſomuch that one may read the inmoſt Receſſes of her Heart, and not be miſtaken in one's Sentiments: She is of the moſt even Temper [29] in the World, always the ſame; and there is no manner of Reſtraint, but every one enjoys full Liberty in her Houſe. There it is that Lovers keep their Rendezvous, in little winding Groves, whoſe Avenues are very ſecret, and where they are not diſturbed.

There it is that they have the Pleaſure of talking with each other the whole Day without being tired: And there it is that they ſee each other every Hour, and yet think they don't ſee each other enough. There they enjoy each others Converſation in private, and have the pleaſing Satiſfaction of ſeeking a Thouſand different Ways of ſeeing or talking to each other by Stealth: Billetdoux alſo paſs there between each other very frequently. In ſhort, I ſpent very many happy Days there, and indeed the happieſt of my Life; for I was continually with Zelinda; ſhe told me all her Thoughts; and I did not conceal from her any of mine.

What Pleaſures paſt expreſſing I poſſeſt!
How was my Soul with rapt'rous Tranſports bleſt!
How ſweetly had I paſt Life's irkſome Stage,
Free from thoſe Paſſions that within me rage;
Had my Deſires but Moderation known,
And I contented preſs'd no farther on!
[30] I met Zelinda whereſoe'er I went,
And ſpoke my Mind to her without Reſtraint;

All the Proofs of Friendſhip that cou'd be deſired, and even ſome Teſtimonies of Affection, I eaſily obtain'd after ſome few Intreaties; in ſhort I liv'd the moſt agreeable Life in the World, if I cou'd have been ſatisfied with it, but Love perpetually urged me to carry her to his Temple, and I was always ſure of being out of her Favour, whenever I propoſed to her to go thither.

At laſt however, after many fruitleſs Intreaties, we went together from the Village of Confidence, but were hardly got out of it, when a Man, who ſeem'd to be a Perſon of Authority, met us directly, and with a ſtrong Arm, took Zelinda with Violence from me. Notwithſtanding his Incivility I cou'd not help reſpecting him, and as I wou'd have appeas'd him, without deſigning to look upon me, he led Zelinda a quite contrary Way, and all ſhe cou'd do was to cry out,

Strephon, farewell, I dare no longer ſtay,
Duty againſt my Will drags me away:
Yet live, however, better Days await,
And keep thy Faith to me inviolate.

[31] I remain'd immoveable at this Sight, and ſaw her go away without ſpeaking one Word; however, after ſome Heſitation, my firſt Reſolution was to run after her, and wreſt her from the Arms of Duty by main Force; but Reſpect, and Precaution, who happen'd to come by very ſeaſonably, prevented me: This accidental Meeting anger'd me at the firſt, but I had always reap'd ſo much Benefit by their Advice, that I was reſolved ſtill to follow it.

Hereupon I retired to a neighbouring Deſart, which ſeemed agreeable to my Humour: 'I'is a large Valley, ſurrounded with ſeveral Mountains, and very remote from all Manner of Correſpondence, where there is a Caſtle ſituated in the midſt of a great Wood, which is the continual Abode of a melancholy Female, called, Abſence: She is very ſeldom to be ſeen, having her Eyes always drowned in Tears, and being conſequently very much dejected, and disfigured: She is always in Mourning, and perpetually accompanied by Thoughtfulneſs, who is alſo mighty lean, never fixing her Eyes long upon any ſingle Object, but looking upon every Thing, and yet ſeeing Nothing: She takes no Notice, nor gives the leaſt Attention to any Thing; neither does ſhe ever ſpeak, but quite foreign to the Purpoſe, and hardly ever gives an Anſwer to what is asked of her; in [32] ſhort, ſhe ſeems to be collected within herſelf, and to love no Company but her own. The Fall of Waters, and their ſoft Murmers, and the ſinging of Birds, are her ordinary Diverſions. Hereupon I entered into a ſtrict Friendſhip with her, and conformed myſelf entirely to her Manner of living; retiring, with my Sorrows to the greateſt Solitudes, and converſing alone, in the ſame Manner as ſhe, with the Woods, the Brooks, the Ecchoes, and the Springs.

In the mean while I ſuffered a Thouſand afflicting Torments, having always a longing Deſire to ſee Zelinda, and not being able to ſatisfy that Deſire; what I thought moſt grievous of all, in that Place, was, that the Time is longer than in any other Place in the World, the Moments being Hours, the Hours Days, and the Days Years: Beſides this, one meets every where with Troubles, which are great gigantick Mortals of a very diſagreeable Aſpect; and they are ſo numerous that there's no avoiding them. At laſt, being weary of living in ſuch cruel Torment, and ready to ſink under it, I compoſed the following Verſes.

'Tis then decreed above, that I muſt dye,
My deadly Pains admit no Remedy;
[33] And what's, in vain, apply'd to give me Eaſe
But more exaſperates the fierce Diſeaſe:
Thy ſhort-liv'd Pleaſures all, my Soul, are dead,
Zelinda is, for ever, from thee fled:
Then ceaſe, to murmur longer, and repine,
And loſing her, thy hated Life reſign.
Far from the Fair, who was my ſole Delight,
Far from thoſe Eyes, which only charm'd my Sight,
By various Paſſions toſs'd, my wounded Soul,
To each is made a Prey, without Controul.
Of my once pleaſing Flame, nought now remains,
But cutting Sorrows, and Heart-wounding Pains;
'Till my ſad Days, in deadly Langour paſs'd,
Quite ſink me down in endleſs Night at laſt.
Abſence does ſtill a Cure effectual prove,
For the Soul-vexing Mem'ry of one's Love:
But, woe is me! to quench my raging Flame,
In vain I court the melancholy Dame;
True, from Zelinda's Love, ſhe'as baniſh'd me,
And from her pleaſing Talk and Company;
But her bright Charms, whoſe Pow'r too well I know,
Are ever preſent, to increaſe my Woe.

Thus I experienced the cruel Pains which Abſence makes poor Lovers ſuffer, and had no other Comfort but ſome Letters, which Love found the [34] Means to get conveyed to me; nevertheleſs, I ſhould not have lived long, if Zelinda's having, at laſt, got free from Duty, had not recalled me from my Exile. This made me, in a Moment, forget all my paſt Pains, and run to ſee her again with all the Impatience of an ardent Lover; but I was not much happier for the Change of my Condition; for I found her in a Place, where no one yet ever enjoyed any Repoſe.

There all are upon groundleſs Quarrels bent,
And Duelling is hourly their Intent;
Fully reſolv'd their fancy'd Foes to end,
Without reſpecting Brother, Prince, or Friend.
There Rage, Suſpicion, Anger, Envy, ſhed
Their dang'rous Poiſon upon ev'ry Head,
'Till by their own, or other Hands, to fall
All ſeek: For Fraud, and Horrour, reigns o'er all.

This Place is called the Rivals, whither I was no ſooner come but I ſaw ſeveral Perſons about Zelinda, who redden'd with Anger, on ſeeing me, and prevented my ſpeaking to her. I felt within myſelf a ſecret Hatred, and Averſion to them all; and a little after, thinking, that Zelinda looked upon them too kindly, I ſuffered myſelf to be conducted by Love to the Palace of Jealouſy, which is adjacent to the Rivals.

[35] This Palace is yet a much more diſagreeable Place than any of the reſt; for even Abſence and Cruelty don't make one ſuffer half the Ills, that one ſuffers in Jealouſy: Continual Winds, Rains, and Tempeſts, render this a very unpleaſant Place to reſide in; the Thunder growls there perpetually over one's Head, and the Sky is very dark, and multiplies every Object; the leaſt Shaddow ſtrikes one there with Terrour, and the whole Place is full of Precipices, where People are often loſt, by Reaſon of the Darkneſs that reigns throughout the Whole.

At the Entrance of this Palace, We meet with Paſſion, Idle Fancies, and Perturbation of Mind, which bewitch the Eyes in ſuch a Manner, that one ſees every Thing the wrong Way. Paſſion is always in a Fury, without knowing any Reaſon why, ſpeaks very precipitately, and ſays every Thing unreaſonably, and without any Order or Connection: Perturbation of Mind is ſtartled and diſturbed at the leaſt Thing in the World, and is aſtoniſhed at a meer Nothing; And Idle Fancies are always creating their own Misfortunes, becauſe they form to themſelves vain Phantoms, which prove their own Torment. All theſe Perſons, at my Entrance, made me take a certain Draught, which transformed me into quite another Man than I was before.

[36] Suſpicious, hot, and diffident I grew,
To me my Heat ſeem'd reaſonable too;
My ſelf, my ſelf tormented to my Shame,
Till every Object troubleſome became.

In this miſerable State I went to viſit Jealouſy, who is very ugly, and very lean, beſides her being cover'd with Serpents, which are perpetually gnawing her Entrails. Her Look is full of Horrour, and ſhe ſees not any Thing which ſhe does not envy. As ſoon as I entered the Room where ſhe was, ſhe threw one of her Serpents at me, which, in the Fury I was then in, exaſperated me yet ten times more; inſomuch that I ran up and down every where, without knowing whither I was going, or to what End. When I met Zelinda in Company, I durſt not approach her, and trembled in my very Soul, but then I endeavour'd to overhear what was ſaid to her, and her Anſwers, and I wreſted every Word ſhe ſpoke to ſuch a Senſe as might torment my ſelf. When any one whiſper'd her, I turn'd as pale as Death immediately, and interpreted the leaſt Action, and the leaſt Geſture in Favour of others; and when I did not ſee her, I imagin'd her in the Arms of ſome happier Rival: If ſhe was alone, I fancy'd ſhe was waiting for ſome Body; in ſhort in my Phrenzy I was jealous of [37] every Thing I ſaw, and even of Things inanimate.

Ye Trees, and Flow'rs; I in my Tranſports cry'd,
Where does Zelinda from her Strephon hide?
You are the Confidents of all her Cares;
With you ſhe ſpends whole Days, whilſt I'm in Tears.
Woe is me, wretched Man! if my Ingrate,
Had to me kept her Faith inviolate,
Why does ſhe more delight in you, than me?
And why for Yours, avoid my Company?

In the mean While, Zelinda, who ſaw my Weakneſs, did but ſmile at it, at the Beginning; but afterwards ſhe reſented it highly, and then it was that I became acquainted with a Man who would have cured me, both of my Love and Jealouſy, at the ſame Time; his Name was Spite.

The mortal Enemy of Pain,
Who, when he's ill us'd by the Fair,
Don't whining ſtand, and ſue in vain,
Or give himſelf up to Deſpair:
But arm'd with a Reſentment brave,
He wiſely makes a quick Retreat,
And often does a Lover ſave
From an entire and ſad Defeat.
[38] Stung with the Falſhood of my Fair,
No more to Love a Vow I made;
And Spite ſo far prevail'd, I ſwear,
That three whole Days from her I ſtaid;
But Grief and Care ſtill ſtuck ſo cloſe,
And o'er my Soul had ſo much Pow'r;
To dye her Slave I rather choſe,
Than ceaſe ſo many Charms t'adore.

I return'd then, with more Violence than ever, to my jealous Suſpicions; but, after a conſiderable Time, Zelinda grew weary of ſeeing me in ſo deplorable a Condition; and Pity, who had promiſed me her Aſſiſtance in Caſe of Neceſſity, was as good as her Word, and remov'd from Zelinda every Object that might give me any Vexation, and brought me away with much Difficulty, from a Place ſo diſagreeable. Zelinda too undeceived me as I came out, and convinced me of all my Faults and Miſtakes, upon which I fell at her Feet, and asking her a thouſand Pardons, cry'd,

With Scorn and Rigour arm your Eyes,
Be haughty, cruel, and ſevere;
If Anger in my Breaſt ariſe,
I'll ſtifle it, and keep it there.
[39] No, no, whatever Pains I bear,
Though Grief be painted in my Eyes;
Ne'er ſhall my Heart rebellious dare,
Repine, or ſay You tyrannize.
Perhaps I languiſhing may mourn,
And beg You not to be ſevere;
But ſhou'd my Breaſt with Anger burn,
I'll ſtifle it, and keep it there.

Nevertheleſs, Zelinda did not immediately ſeal my Pardon; it was even with ſome Difficulty that ſhe brought herſelf to ſupport my Preſence, ſince I had been capable of ſo much Weakneſs: Whereupon I endeavour'd to appeaſe her, by ſaying;

Think, think, how cutting is the Grief,
When gall'd by a proud Beauty's Chain;
To ſee the cruel, lovely Thief,
Does only laugh at all our Pain.
Think that a Lover can not live,
Unleſs he ſees whom he adores,
And give me Hopes your Heart forgives
And me to Favour once reſtores.
Since though I've lightly been to blame,
And groſsly wrong'd my Charming Fair;
Enough I have atton'd the ſame,
By my ſad Suff'ring and Deſpair.

[40] At laſt my Tears and Intreaties, together with the natural Inclination ſhe had for me, as ſhe had confeſs'd to me at Confidence, prevail'd on her to receive me again into Favour: In ſhort, after many Difficulties, We arrived at the Metropolis of the Kingdom of Love, which is call'd after the Name of the Iſland, and where the Court is kept, which is beyond Expreſſion ſplendid and agreeable; being compoſed of all Sorts of Nations, Ranks, and Degrees, Kings, Princes, and Subjects; notwithſtanding which, no one there is a greater Man than another.

This City is very large, and every Thing there is in Confuſion; Perſons of Merit are join'd there very often with thoſe who have none; and ſuch as are handſome frequently leave all for thoſe that are homely; which ſufficiently ſhews that the God who preſides there is blind. In the Middle of the City is a very famous Temple, which is older than the World, for Love was there when he unravell'd the Chaos. This Temple is very ſpatious, notwithſtanding which, it is hardly large enough to receive all the Sacrifices that are offer'd up there every Day.

We went thither alſo, to offer up our Sacrifices according to Cuſtom, and on our Entrance were obliged to deliver up the Victims, which were our Hearts: Zelinda ſtill made ſome Difficulty [41] of parting with hers, but Deſire at laſt ſnatch'd it away, not without ſome little Violence. Our Hearts then were offered up in Sacrifices to Love, and the Flame, which burnt them, did not conſume them, inſomuch that after the Sacrifice, we found them ſtill both entire, but burning:

And, which perhaps, may ſeem moſt ſtrange,
We of our Hearts made an Exchange;
Zelinda, ſeizing firſt on mine,
Did thereby her's to me reſign;
Thus I of her's became poſſeſs'd,
And treaſur'd it up in my Breaſt.

Behold me then, arriv'd at the Height of all my Wiſhes; I continued therefore ſome Time in the City, enjoying all the Pleaſures whereof Man is capable, in being tenderly beloved; that is to ſay:

I was her ſole Delight, with me,
She always cou'd have wiſh'd to be;
In all my Griefs ſtill bore a Share,
And my leaſt Hurt made her deſpair.

But this was not enough for me, I was ſtill diſſatisfy'd, for I was bent upon carrying her to the Palace of True Pleaſure, which is the Country-Seat where Love goes to viſit Pſyche, and with [42] that Deſign I was conducting her that Way, when we met the moſt troubleſome Mortal in the World.

Pleaſure's great Enemy, and Foe profeſs'd,
Who ſtill the fondeſt Lovers does moleſt;
Who o'er the Paſſions bears impetuous Sway,
And with Love's ſoft Deſires can't away;
Numbers infatuated, ſwell his Train,
Charm'd with his empty Maxims, to their Pain;
Which all our Pleaſures criminal eſteem,
And the leaſt Liberties reproachful deem.

This numerous Company which attended him were very much out of Order, being all ſickly Women who cou'd not keep up with him, without great Difficulties: Love, which has taken entire Poſſeſſion of all the Faculties of their Soul, makes them hourly languiſh and pine away, till they are as lean as Skeletons, whilſt their dying Eyes betray their Hearts, and make it viſible to every one, that the little God in ſpite of all their Reſiſtance, maintains his Empire there.

This Mortal, in one Word, was Honour, and was accompany'd with Shamefacedneſs, of whom I can give you no tolerable Deſcription, becauſe ſhe has always a Vail over her Face, and will not diſcover herſelf to any one. Theſe two then [43] having ſtopt Zelinda, ſaid a Thouſand ſine Things to her, which ſeem'd very ridiculous to me, but were not eſteem'd ſo by Zelinda; for aſſoon as ſhe heard them, ſhe reſolved to be adviſed by them; at which new Way of Behaviour I was very much aſtoniſh'd, and immediately cry'd out:

Mourn, mourn, my Eyes, mourn your unhappy Fate;
Mourn your Diſgrace as unforeſeen as great;
Your Sight, Zelinda, will no longer bear,
But has reſum'd her Heart, and leaves you to deſpair.
If you are bleſt when in her Eyes you look;
If Pleaſure in her Company you took;
Weep, weep, my Eyes, with Floods of Tears run o'er,
Thoſe happy Days you never will ſee more.

Nevertheleſs I conjured Love to uſe his utmoſt Endeavours to recall her, and he took ſo much Pains therein that at laſt he ſucceeded, and we purſued our Journey to the Palace of True Pleaſure. We were not very far from thence when we met with Reſpect and Precaution; but Reſpect no longer look'd ſo grave and auſtere; on the contrary he had a very gallant and gracefull Air, and his Countenance was full of Smiles: [44] Neither did Precaution ſtand ſo much upon Ceremonies; and Reſpect ſaid to Us with a Smile.

Go, perfect Lovers, go, feaſt ev'ry Senſe,
And of your Loves reap the ſweet Recompence;
My Preſence now is of no Uſe to you,
I've with your ſecret Pleaſures nought to do.

This ſaid he embraced me and left me; and he was but juſt gone, when I ſaw a very handſome Woman, ſtark naked, running to Us very ſwift, with her Hair hanging all over her Face before, and quite bald behind. There were ſeveral Perſons there, ſome of which quite neglected her, and the others ran after her very faintheartedly, notwithſtanding which they all ſeemed very much vexed, at their having ſuffered her to paſs by them. Hereupon Love, aſſoon as he ſaw her, told me, that it was Opportunity, and that ſhe only had Intereſt enough to procure me Entrance into the Palace of True Pleaſure, wherefore I muſt not let her eſcape me, becauſe one cou'd not be certain ever to find her again. In Obedience to his Advice therefore I ran to meet her, and ſtopt her, and ſhe brought Zelinda to a Reſolution of going into the Palace, where we at laſt arrived with the greateſt Satisfaction in the World, for it is actually a moſt enchanting Place.

[45]
There an eternal Spring is ſeen,
And th' azure Sky is ſtill ſerene;
A Thouſand Roſes hourly blow,
Each Moment does freſh Wonders ſhow;
The Trees with Fruit o'erloaden ſtand;
And ſeem to court the Gath'rer's Hand;
Each Field is dreſs'd in lively Green,
Around a thouſand Caves are ſeen,
(With Bows entwin'd, all ſhaded o'er,
Leſt prying Eyes ſhou'd ought explore,)
Where Lovers paſs each gladſome Day,
In am'rous Sports, and wanton Play.
Theſe loneſome Caves, Time out of Mind,
Have ſacred been to Love, we find;
Nature herſelf the Branches wove,
The kind Receptacles of Love;
Where-all the little feather'd Quire,
Pleas'd with their Mates, in Pairs retire;
And make the Hills and Dales around,
With Love inſpiring Songs reſound;
And others to excite the Love,
Themſelves the pleaſing Leſſon prove.
A Thouſand little Riv'lets there,
With their ſoft Murmurs fill the Air;
Whilſt kindly the ſtill Nights conſpire,
To add freſh Fuel to Love's Fire.
There Lovers ne'er are heard complain,
Of their Fair's Rigour, or Diſdain;
[46] But after many Troubles paſt,
Joys ev'n beyond their Wiſhes taſte.
Why ſay I more, ſince all that e'er,
This World produced, or Great, or Fair,
Have there Love's pleaſing Paſſion try'd,
And in their Lovers Arms have dy'd.

I muſt own to You that one is very happy in that Place; as for my Part, when I conſider'd that I was arrived at the Height of all my Wiſhes, I thought I cou'd never be ſufficiently ſatisfy'd with my good Fortune; but my Happineſs was too great to be laſting, accordingly I ſoon ſaw the End of it, as you will obſerve: But ſome Days before, as I was walking, I met with a Maiden who was but homely, but who was nevertheleſs very affected, and never ſatisfy'd with any Thing. She has no ſettled Abode, becauſe ſhe takes no Care to provide herſelf of any one, even the moſt agreeable Things being irkſome to her, her Name is Coldneſs.

She has a great Power in the Iſle of Love; for they who will hearken to her Counſel, ſoon leave it without any Trouble or Regret, for ſhe conducts them to the Bay of Diſguſt, where there are but too many Veſſels ready to carry one away. I ſaw ſeveral who went along with her, but I thought her ſo homely and ſo unreaſonable, that [47] I wou'd not ſtay one Moment with her, but return'd to the Palace of True Pleaſure, where ſome Days after I met with a Misfortune, which ſtill makes a deep Impreſſion upon me, and which I never expect to ſee an End of.

One Morning in the Midſt of all my Pleaſures, I ſaw a Man who came ſaucily to interrupt them; his Mien was majeſtick and independent, and his Look haughty; and by his Eyes, and the whole Air of his Face one might ſee that he was one that was abſolute, and knew not what it was to obey. In a Word, it was Deſtiny, whoſe Decrees are irrevocable, who forced Zelinda from my Arms. All my Efforts to detain her were in vain, he took her away, and carried her I know not whither, for I have not been able to hear of her ſince.

Hereupon I immediately left the Palace of True Pleaſure, which ſeem'd diſagreeable to me, ſince Zelinda was no longer there, and retired to the Place where I now am, and where I believe I ſhall paſs thoſe few remaining Days which my Sorrows will allow me. I am here upon the Top of a Mountain call'd the Deſart of Remembrance; its Solitude is very agreeable, but what is very vexatious is, that the Place is ſo high that it overlooks the whole Iſland of Love; inſomuch that one has always one's Misfortune before one's Eyes, [48] and can't help ſeeing the Places through which one has paſs'd, and this it is that makes me miſerable, for which Way ſoever I turn, I find always ſome Objects which recall my paſt Happineſs to my Remembrance.

I have now languiſh'd here for ſome Time, and at laſt conſider'd that you wou'd have ſome Reaſon to complain of me, dear Bellamour, if I did not let you hear from me before my Death. Farewell, mourn my Misfortune, perhaps you may one Day ſtand in need of the ſame Conſolation.

FINIS.

A MAP OF THE ISLAND of MARRIAGE.

[]

THE Country which I am going to deſcribe to you, is an Iſland of a vaſt Extent, and indiſputably the moſt populous of any Country in the Univerſe. There is no Poſſibility of entering it, but in Couples, a Man and a Woman, whence it happens, that there is always an equal Number of both Sexes therein: For, no ſooner has any one ſet his Foot in it, but there is a ſtrong Guard placed continually at the Mouths of the Harbours, which prevents all Perſons whatſoever, from ſtirring from thence, but on Condition of having their Partners carried to the Grave, and being themſelves tranſported to the Peninſula of Widowhood, which is at one of the Ends of the Iſland.

[2] Nor is this Precaution needleſs; for were it not for theſe Guards, this Iſland, as populous as it is, would ſoon be a meer Deſert; for, notwithſtanding Thouſands of Strangers are flocking thither every Day from all Parts, being induced thereunto by the Spirit of Curioſity, the firſt Ruin of Mankind, it is very certain that moſt of the Inhabitants would ſoon ſwarm out again by Millions, did not theſe numerous Guards render it impracticable.

There is no Way to arrive at this vaſt Region, but by two Ports; the one whereof is called Intereſt, and the other Love. The firſt of theſe is a trading Port, full of immenſe Riches, where Fathers and Mothers keep a perpetual Fair, to put off their Daughters, who are ſet out for Sale in their Warehouſes, and are diſpoſed of for good round Sums in ready Money. But there is one Thing very particular in the Way of trading of theſe Gentry; for whereas other Dealers expect Money in Return for their Goods, theſe give a handſome Price to thoſe who will take their Merchandize off their Hands. The Port of Intereſt is open on all Sides, and one may enter it with any Wind.

The other is a moſt agreeable Port, abounding with all imaginable Pleaſures: The People live there in a perpetual Spring, and the Trees, which are ever green, are always full of Birds, which [3] make the Air reſound with their Love inſpiring Harmony. The only Wind that carries into this Port, is a gentle Gale called Sighs, and one always enters therein with Delight; but very often before one can get in, there ariſes ſudden Hurricanes, which come from the high Mountain of Parents, drive the Veſſels back into open Sea, and prevent their putting into Port. Nevertheleſs when the above-mentioned Gale is good, and perſeveres conſtantly in blowing from the Region of Sighs, it ſeldom fails of getting the better of theſe Hurricanes, and bringing Paſſengers ſafe into Harbour.

When one comes firſt within Sight of this Iſland, and takes a View of it afar off, before one's entering the Port, nothing can ſeem either more inviting, or more agreeable. One is entertain'd on all Sides with enchanting Proſpects, that form beautiful Landſkips to diſtant Beholders, and deceive the Eye moſt egregiouſly; but no ſooner has one once ſet Foot aſhore, but in Proportion as one advances up into the Country, one perceives that thoſe Plains, which ſeemed before, when at a Diſtance, to be covered with a lively Verdure, to be enamelled with Flowers, and to flouriſh with all the Beauties of the jolly Spring, are overſpread with Briars and Thorns, and full of dark and melancholly Vales, divided by Torrents, and [4] Precipices, abounding with intricate and perplexing Roads, that are croſſed by Moraſſes, which render them unpaſſable. One finds alſo that thoſe beautiful riſing Grounds, which one fancied covered with little verdant Groves, are nothing but Heaps of ſteep Rocks, between the mournful Cypreſſes, which overſhade them; beſides which, they are full of wild Beaſts, Dragons, and Serpents.

Thus 'tis evident that this Iſland affords two very different Proſpects; one, which is very agreeable, to thoſe who have not yet ſet Foot thereon, and only view it at a Diſtance; and another, which is highly diſagreeable, to thoſe who have run themſelves wilfully into that Confinement, and who are no ſooner inthralled therein, but they offer up their moſt ardent Vows, for that dear Liberty, which they have given up ſo imprudently; inſomuch that it is juſt the ſame with them, as with the Goldfinch and the Cage.

How ſweet to warble in a Cage,
And with ſoft Notes our Cares t'aſſwage!
All's there provided at our Need,
Pure limpid Stream, good wholeſome Seed;
A kind She too, with whom to play,
And ſing and ſport the Hours away:
[5] Thus ſaid a Goldfinch blithe, when he
Incag'd, a Linnet once did ſee,
(Himſelf mean while at Liberty)
With chearful Note, and joyous Sound.
Who made his Priſon Walls reſound.
So Damon when one Day he 'ſpy'd,
A blooming Virgin, Nature's Pride,
With Extaſy and Rapture cry'd:
Thrice happy I beyond Mankind,
Were I but to that Fair One join'd,
In an undiſſoluble Tye,
With her to live, with her to die.
But neither Cage nor Marriage State,
E'er ſhew their Evils 'till too late;
Nor Birds, nor Men, find out the Cheat,
'Till they are in, and paſt Retreat,
O you, who burn with am'rous Fire,
Wou'd you ſtill keep alive Deſire,
And add freſh Fuel to the Flame,
Still love, but never wed the Dame.

The Inhabitants of this Iſland are at perpetual War with thoſe of the Iſle of Amathontis, or of Lovers, which lies very near them: I ſhall deſcribe in the Sequel, after what Manner their Wars are carried on; but firſt, it will be neceſſary to give a Deſcription of the different Inhabitants of the Iſle of Marriage.

[6] Towards the Eaſt, and inclining a little to the South, one may ſee another Iſland, ſeparated by a great Arm of the Sea, which holds no Manner of Correſpondence with out Iſle; it is called Polygamy: The Mahometans have uſurped to themſelves the Poſſeſſion thereof, and our rigid Laws forbid our ſo much as touching thereat, on the moſt ſevere Penalties.

Not but that there have ſometimes been Travellers, who have been ſo curious as to take a Trip thither either out of a Frolick, or out of Love, and have obtained Admittance there by ſome Stratagem: But nevertheleſs they have not been able to effect this, without embroiling themſelves with the Courts of Juſtice, and unleſs one has as much Gold to throw away as my Lord M—d, one runs the Hazzard of taking a Voyage with Count Cahoon, to the Chequer-Inn, in Newgate-Street.

The Mahometans then are left in peaceable Poſſeſſion of the Iſle of Polygamy, and they have accordingly cauſed the following Verſes to be cut in Golden Letters upon a Marble, which is placed at the Head of the Pier of their Harbour.

To ſatisfy Love's raging Flames,
We Muſſulmans wed twenty Dames;
[7] Although, we own the ſtrongeſt He,
More than enough, will find one She:
But this with us a Rule we make,
'Tis not too much a Score to take,
So that among them we can find,
One Wife that's gen'rous, juſt, and kind.

The Iſland of Marriage is divided into five Provinces, which have each of them a Capital City, and ſeveral little Towns dependent thereon. Four of theſe Provinces extend themſelves along the four Sea Coaſts, but the largeſt, which is chiefly peopled by the Colonies that flock thither from the other four, is in the Center of the Iſland, the Government whereof it has uſurped, through the prodigious Number of its Inhabitants.

The four Provinces which lye along the Sea Coaſts, are inhabited by the Diſcreet, the Ill-matched, the Ill-at-Eaſe, and the Jealous: The Head Province, which is in the Middle, is the famous Cuckoldſhire, whoſe Capital is the well-known Hornborough. But beſides theſe five Provinces, there are likewiſe two Peninſulas, the one of Widowhood, and the other of Divorce, which have taken up two Necks of Land, at two Ends of this Iſland.

The Province of the Diſcreet, who were formerly called the Faithful, extends itſelf along the whole [8] Eaſtern Coaſt. Its Capital City is called Sophia; its Buildings are modeſt and regular, its Fortifications good, and capable of making a reſolute Defence; it is water'd by Chaſtity, which is a River, whoſe pure Stream flows ſoftly, and without Noiſe, although in its Courſe, it is enlarged by the Waters of four Rivulets, called Piety, Auſterity, Morality, and Vigilance: Theſe have nothing agreeable in them, becauſe they only run in Meanders, and their Sides are every where covered with Briars, and Thickets, which prevent the Incurſions of the Scouts of Amathontis, who might otherwiſe attempt to land there.

The Governour of this City is Prince Integrity, and my Lord Honour is the Civil Magiſtrate; their Churches are always open, they live there with Frugality, and enjoy no Pleaſures but what are innocent. The Publick Walks where they take the Air, are all planted with Linden Trees, that are ſprung from thoſe into which Baucis and Philemon were changed; and all their Fences are Palliſadoes of Laurel, ſprung from the chaſt Daphne.

Nevertheleſs as delightful and well governed as this City is, one can ſcarcely imagine how very few Inhabitants there are therein; and were it not for the Prudes, who have found the Means to get Admittance into it, under the borrowed Maſk of Virtue, this Province would be almoſt a Deſart.

[9] Theſe Prudes then poſſeſs the largeſt Part of this City, and inhabit a Quarter, which is ſeparated from the others by the Obſcure, a little River overſhaded with Trees, which ſhield it from the Beams of the Sun, and diſembogues itſelf into the Black Sea.

Their Houſes on the Outſide, are not to be diſtinguiſhed from thoſe of the Diſcreet; but when my Lord Honour goes from Time to Time, and makes a narrow Inſpection into the Inſide of their Tenements, he finds ſo vaſt a Difference between their outward Appearance, and their Management within Doors, that he is often forced to baniſh them, and to ſend large Colonies of them to people the Head Province.

The Metropolis being ſo poorly inhabited, it may be well thought that the Country-Towns and Villages are yet worſe. In effect, one meets only with a few ſcattered up and down, and almoſt without Inhabitants; and even theſe are of ſuch a churliſh untractable Temper, that a Paſſenger is hard put to it to find a Lodging.

Although thoſe who are really diſcreet, are haughty and reſerved, they behave themſelves with yet leſs Haughtineſs than the Prudes; there are no People in the World who extol their own Merit to ſuch a Degree as they, or make ſuch a Noiſe about their Virtue, inſomuch that they treat all [10] their Neighbours with the utmoſt Contempt: But although they affect to ſeem wonderfully intrepid, and to be eager for the Combat, they often prove not to be ſo brave, as they would be thought by their Diſcourſe; and the Amathontins ſeldom attempt to invade their Territories, without making conſiderable Havock among them.

Even amongſt the real Diſcreet, one may find two different Sorts; one of theſe are ſo through a Principle of Honour, and are always as chearful, as they are invincible; but there are others, whoſe Chaſtity is more owing to their Vanity, than their Virtue; theſe have always a ſullen Gravity in their Looks, which ſufficiently demonſtrates, that they are not at all pleaſed with their Condition.

As little inhabited as the Country is, and as ſevere as the Laws of their Government are, it does not prevent ſome, and thoſe even of the moſt Diſcreet, from removing daily into the Head Province; for, in ſhort, Virtue, as well as the Mind, grows weary of too intenſe an Application to one Point, and is apt to abate of its firſt Severity; but thoſe who ſtay behind, look upon theſe Deſerters with Contempt, for which Reaſon, they have ſet up the following Inſcription over the Front of their principal Gate.

[11]
Ye virtuous Fair, our Iſland's Pride,
Whoſe ſterling Honour often try'd,
Has always made a brave Defence;
Hither without Diſtruſt repair,
Here you may live ſecure from Fear,
Arm'd Cap-a-pee with Innocence.
What tho' we are in Number few?
We're all intrepid, ſtaunch, and true,
Nor Treachery, nor Ambuſh dread.
Nor need we 'gainſt our Honour's Foes,
Implore the feeble Aid of Thoſe,
Who baſely from our Colours fled.

On the oppoſite Side of the Iſland, that is on the Weſtern Coaſt, is the whimſical and unaccountable Province of the Ill-match'd: The Metropolis of this Province is called the Old Town. None of the Buildings of this City have any Conformity one with the other, nor is there any Manner of Symmetry obſerved therein; inſomuch that one may often ſee a great Gate to a ſmall Houſe, and a diminitive Wicket to a ſpacious Palace. It is watered by two Rivers, one whereof is called the Fantaſque, and the other the Clandeſtine: The one is a River conſiſting wholly of Caſcades, and hurrying every Moment with Violence, down Precipices; and the other a rapid Torrent, which being aſhamed of ſhowing itſelf, runs [12] impetuouſly under Ground, but notwithſtanding the Care it takes to hide its Courſe, cannot prevent its being diſcovered, by a hollow Noiſe it makes in flowing.

As ſoon as one has ſet Foot within the Gates of this City, one hears nothing but the Cries and Complaints of Children, whom either an old Mother has ſacrificed to a young Rake, or whom an old Debauchee has given up as Victims to a young Coquet. Here the Maſter of a Family marries his Cook-Maid, and there an old Beldame of Quality takes to Huſband her Valet de Chambre, and ſolemnizes in her own Chapel a Ceremony, which ſerves only to add freſh Shame to her Licentiouſneſs.

At the Gates of this City grows that famous Wood, mentioned by the bantering Doctor in the Play. The Trees, he ſays of this Wood, bear the Heads of all Sorts of Iron Tools, and the Earth underneath produces proper Handles wherewith to fit them up; but it often happens, that when the Iron is at full Growth, and falls, inſtead of meeting with a Handle that would be proper for it, it drops upon one that matches it moſt prepoſterouſly: For Inſtance, the Head of a Scythe falls upon the Handle of a Pike, the Head of a Halberd upon the Helve of a Hatchet, and ſo of all [13] the reſt, inſomuch that not one of them meets with a Handle ſuitable to its Purpoſe.

It is juſt the ſame Caſe with thoſe who make Matches ſo diſproportionable, either for Age or Quality, that they only render themſelves a Laughing Stock to every one who hears thereof; I would have all Perſons therefore remember this as an infallible Truth:

On equal Hinges turns the Marriage State,
No Happineſs therein's allowed by Fate,
Two great a Diſproportion if there be,
In Fortune, Humour, Age, or Quality.

For although it is a very common Saying, and almoſt grown into a Proverb, That Love will unite the moſt diſtant Extreams in its Center; it is only in Love-Affairs that this Union muſt be underſtood to be effected with Pleaſure; but when the indiſſoluble Tye of Matrimony is in the Caſe, the Proverb will be found no longer to hold good.

Upon the Southern Coaſt of this Iſland, is the Province of the Ill-at-Eaſe, whoſe Capital City is Short-Allowance, under the Command of Colonel Hard-Fare. The Inhabitants of this Country are melancholly and fretful; the Houſes are but Cottages, which the Want of Belly-Timber unfurniſhes by little and little; the Kitchens all lye [14] open to the North-Wind, and the People therein have little elſe to do, but to blow their Fingers. The City is watered by Famine, a ſorry little Brook, which only runs murmuring over a Parcel of Flint-Stones, and does not afford the ſmalleſt little Fiſh; the barren Fields yield nothing but Straw, and the Vines nought but ſower and diſtaſteful Grapes.

Notwithſtanding this miſerable Want of neceſſary Proviſion, moſt Part of the Inhabitants, and eſpecially the Women, will cheat their Bellies of the little they can afford, to beſtow it upon a deceitful Dreſs, which conceals their inward Neceſſities under a Diſguiſe of an eaſy Outſide: But this Deſire of Finery, beyond what they can afford, and the Cries of a half-ſtarved Belly, makes theſe Inhabitants leave this miſerable Country with Pleaſure, and flock in large Colonies, to People the Head Province, and endeavour to help the Barrenneſs of their Lands by the kindly Showers of Gold that fall from the Pockets of their Lovers.

Gallants, who ſtudy Night and Day,
To gain freſh Conqueſts o'er the Fair,
The coyeſt ſhe will fall a Prey,
When her own Wants firſt lay the Snare.

[15] On the Northern Coaſt of the Iſle of Marriage lies the Province of the Jealous, whoſe Capital City is ſituated on the Middle of Mount Chimaera, juſt in that Part which the Antients ſaid was inhabited by Bulls and Goats, the Top being poſſeſſed by Lions, and the Bottom by Serpents; which gave Riſe to the Fable of its being an Animal compoſed of three Natures. But the Poets, who were wretched Geographers, have miſtaken its Situation, ſince it is certainly in this Province that Mount Chimaera is ſituated.

The Metropolis of the Jealous is call'd Falſe Belief; it is water'd by Anxiety, which is a River, whoſe deep yellow Stream, ſerves the Inhabitants as a deceitful and fallacious Looking-Glaſs, and fills their Heads with horned Viſions, by repreſenting Things to them in a quite different Manner from what they are in Reality. But beſides the deluſive Nature of the Water of this River, the Inhabitants, in Imitation of the Antojos amongſt the Spaniards, never ſtir a Step without wearing upon their Noſes great Spectacles made of magnifying Glaſs, which magnifies all Objects to that Degree, that the ſmalleſt Fly ſeems to them like an Elephant, and every Atom appears to be a Pair of large Brow-Antlers.

Theſe People are the moſt Savage of any in the whole Iſland, and their Country is the moſt rugged [16] and unpaſſable: It is wholly overſpread with ſteep Mountains, cover'd with impenetrable Woods, gloomy Vales, and barren Plains; wherefore none but the Native Inhabitants can dwell therein, neither would the Jealous ſuffer them if they cou'd, and much leſs the Amathontins, than any others; becauſe they are firmly perſuaded, that they find ſome Means or other, to accompliſh their Deſigns every where.

The Capital City, altho' ſituated on the Side of a Hill, ſtands nevertheleſs in a very obſcure Place, and is overſhadowed with Mountains on every Side. There is no Way to it but by narrow difficult Roads, full of watchful Centinals, whoſe Eyes are never both cloſed at one Time, but the one wakes, while the other ſleeps. They cauſed formerly the following Inſcription to be ſet up upon a high Poſt, that was erected for that Purpoſe, beyond the Glacis of their Fortifications.

Deceivers, Sly, Gallants, away,
This is no Place for you to ſtay;
Yourſelves who value on baſe Arts,
To circumvent weak Women's Hearts:
This City is forbidden Ground,
March off, nor in theſe Parts be found;
You may indeed the Outworks view,
But all within's forbidden you.

[17] The Amathontis being nettled at the preſumptuous Confidence of theſe Verſes, march'd thither one Night, blotted them out, and ſubſtituted theſe following in their Room.

When once two Hearts which burn with mutual Fires,
With prudent Care conceal their fierce Deſires,
The ſubtleſt He no eaſy Taſk will find,
To part that Pair whom ardent Love has join'd.
In vain a Fool may watch them up and down,
He'll ſcratch his Horns at laſt, and ſighing own,
When Wife and Spark are firm combin'd to gull you,
Do what you pleaſe, you'll find yourſelf their Cully.

The Streets of this City are extreamly lightſome, and very ſtrait, to the End that one may be able to have a clear View of all that is tranſacted therein, from one End to the other; but the Houſes are extreamly dark, having but few Windows, and thoſe very ſmall, and croſs barr'd: The Inhabitants are mighty grave, and hold very little Correſpondence with their Neighbours.

Although the City be pretty Populous, one ſees very few Folks in the Streets, and the Huſbands beat the Tat-Too very early, to call their Wives [18] home in good Time, before the Duſk of the Evening expoſes them to any Surprize: They are an odd ſort of Mortals; they are perpetually upon Thorns, and one may ſee them hurry out, and return in again, every Minute, with the utmoſt Abruptneſs, their Eyes ſtaring all the while, and their Ears pricked up, with the utmoſt Attention and Anguiſh.

They apply to themſelves every Word that is ſpoken; and tremble at the Sight of a Man of Gallantry, as much as a Dove at the Sight of a Hawk: Then it is that they are very diverting, by the Ridiculouſneſs and Folly of their Uneaſineſs; which is ſo far from being of any Service to them, that they themſelves contribute moſt to the Succeſs of their Enemies Affairs, by their perpetual teazing and provoking thoſe, whom they would defend from their Attacks: Since it is certain that nothing contributes more to the Conqueſt of a Gallant, than the Reaſons one gives a Wife to revenge herſelf of one's ill Uſage; and I have known thoſe whoſe Pleaſure has received a more exquiſite Reliſh, by the extravagant Humours and Caprices of a jealous Cuckold.

'Tis ſaid that one Day, a pretty large Colony of theſe jealous Huſbands, were obliged to remove all together into the Head Province, and that by a very whimſical and merry Accident. An Amathontin, [19] who had found Means to ſteal into their Quarters, took it in his Head to poſt up the following Verſes, in the principal Square of the City.

Ceaſe, jealous Fools, your Storming, ceaſe,
Which does but your own Woes increaſe,
And add freſh Fuel to our Fires,
To teaze your Spouſes Night and Day,
Believe me, is the ready Way,
To make them yield to looſe Deſires.
Your unkind Blows, to tender Wives,
Your cauſleſs Brawls, and reſtleſs Lives,
In everlaſting Diſcord ſpent;
Will to yourſelves moſt fatal prove,
Will kindle Hate, inſtead of Love,
And forward what you'd moſt prevent.

Hereupon one of the Inhabitants, who having a Flea in his Ear, happened to riſe earlier than the Reſt, and had ſome Buſineſs in that Square; went thither, found theſe Verſes, tore them down that Inſtant, hurried Home directly with all Speed, and threſh'd his Wife moſt enormouſly: This done, he handed them about very carefully from Door to Door amongſt all his Neighbours; who taking each of them, the Thing to himſelf, treated his Rib juſt in the ſame Manner as the firſt Coxcomb; but notwithſtanding all the Vigilance of [20] theſe Noodles, every one of the Women concerted their Meaſures ſo well together, that they were fully revenged of them, the very Night following; inſomuch that the next Morning when they awoke, all theſe jealous Coxcombs found themſelves in Cuckoldſhire, without having ever dreamed of it, and were irrecoverably entered upon the Regiſter of the Head-Province.

I have already obſerved that this City is watered by the River Anxiety, which is a large River, navigable from its very Spring. Its Waters have this Property, that they deprive one of Sleep; it yields no other Fiſh but Gudgeons, which the Amathonlins often prevail on theſe jealous Gentry to ſwallow. The City is extreamly ſtrong and inacceſſible; the Walls, which are at leaſt as thick as thoſe built by Semiramis, are ſurrounded on all Sides by this deep River; ſo that there is no approaching the City, but by a Bridge that is laid over the River, beyond which is a narrow Cauſey, fortified by ſix ſtrong Batteries, well guarded, which lead up to the only Gate there is, inſomuch that no Amathontin can paſs, but by the Help of ſome Diſguiſe. But as there are no People in the World that are more ingenious than this Nation, ſome of them perpetually find the Means to get into the City, which they ſeldom leave without making a terrible Havock.

[21] Having given an Account of the four Nations that inhabit the Sea Coaſt, Order next requires me to mention the Head Province of Cuckoldſhire, and its numerous Inhabitants who by a very juſt Antonomaſia have aſſumed to themſelves the Name of Cuckolds.

The Capital of this Province, is called Hornborough, and is at leaſt as large as London, to which it bears a very great Reſemblance; but like the ancient Thebes, it has an Hundred Gates, that it may be able to give Entrance to the prodigious Concourſe of New-comers, who daily flock thither from all Parts: All the World having a Title to a Freedom there, from the greateſt Emperor to the moſt Scoundrel Blackguard; and as ſoon as his Spouſe pleaſes, the Huſband puts in his Claim, and enters into Poſſeſſion in Right of his Wife. In ſhort, this City, and indeed the whole Province has the ſame Property as the Sea and the Gallows, for it refuſes none, from the Prince to the Beggar. It has been obſerved indeed by ſome, in Exception to this, that there never was Pope, Cardinal, Jeſuit, nor Prieſt in all this Province, I ſuppoſe, becauſe they don't care for the Company of People of ſuch bad Principles; but then, to make Amends, there have been abundance of Roſy-cheek'd Proteſtant Divines, eſpecially A—b—ps, B—p—s, and dignified Clergymen, [22] againſt whom no Exception has ever been made, they being always very welcome Gueſts.

This City is ſituated in the Midſt of a large and fertile Plain, abounding with all the Pleaſures and Delicacies that can be wiſhed for in Life; the Pactolus runs quite through the Midſt of it, and its fruitful Streams, which abound with golden Sand, divide it exactly in two. My Lord Ready-Money, a Grandee of Spain, and formerly Vice-Roy of Peru, is Governor thereof; the Jupiters alſo of the Treaſury, who can convert themſelves into Golden Showers, bear great Sway there, it being from their powerful Body that the Magiſtracy are yearly choſe; for which Reaſon they have cauſed the following Inſcription to be ſet over the Front of their Town-Hall.

Whene'er We Lovers ſue in vain.
And neither Sighs nor Vows avail,
To move the Fair to eaſe our Pain,
The Golden Key will never fail.

Each Side of the Pactolus is divided into two Quarters; inſomuch that the whole City conſiſts of four Parts, inhabited by four Sorts of Citizens, who from their different Characters are called by different Names: Theſe are, the Contented, [23] the Frantick, the Incredulous, and the Imaginary Cuckolds.

The Contented Cuckolds dwell in a Quarter which they have named the Land of Plenty; they are a good Sort of People, with whom a Man may do what he will, and who withdraw commodiouſly, and without Noiſe, as ſoon as ever a Lover appears. They would be very ſorry ever to interrupt the Pleaſures of thoſe who do them the Honour to viſit their Wives: Their Word of Battle is, Let Pleaſure be free, I conſent. This jovial Humour is viſible in all their Looks, Words, and Actions: there is nothing to be ſeen at their Houſes but Dancing and Feaſting perpetually, Operas, Balls, Maſquerades, Hunting Matches, and Parties of Pleaſure, of all which they are ſure to be Partakers. The City is neither fortified with Walls, Gates, or Draw-Bridges, on their Side: amongſt them every one lives without Conſtraint, and without Jealouſy; their only Care being after what Manner they ſhall divert themſelves, provided it is at the Expence of the Amathontins; who are never better pleaſed than when they are among theſe good People, although they never fail to ſend them by Degrees to an Hoſpital, in order to make Room for others: For Lovers are, in one Reſpect, like Fiſh, the freſheſt are always the beſt. And to the End that no Body [24] may be ignorant of the free and communicative Temper of thoſe Gentry, Care has been taken to have theſe Verſes engraven on a large Plate of Gold, and to have them ſet up in the Midſt of the principal Square.

With us all lead contented Lives,
None e'er conceal their ſoft Deſires;
But Gallants, Huſbands, and their Wives,
Burn openly with mutual Fires.
For what does Secreſy avail,
To guard a buxom Female's Honour?
The watchfull'ſt Huſband's Care will fail,
When once the loving Fit's upon her.
To yield to Fate is then the beſt,
And we the wiſeſt Method follow;
We drink, we feaſt, we take our Reſt,
And in Delights and Riches wallow.
Ye jealous Fools, whoſe empty Pride,
Makes you eſteem our Conduct baſe,
Had you but once the Difference try'd,
Yourſelves you d ſoon wiſh in our Place.
With Doubts and Fears, for ever croſs'd,
How much leſs happy Days d'ye paſs!
And who lives at another's Coſt,
Is not, I m ſure, the greateſt Aſs.

Over againſt theſe Contented Cuckolds, and on the other Side of a large Brook that parts them, [25] are the Frantick Cuckolds, who have taken up their Reſidence in that Quarter of the Town where Cuckoldom has erected her Bedlam.

This Quarter which is called the Quarter of the Pazzi, is inhabited by thoſe Fools, who take a Pleaſure in publiſhing their own Shame, in making the Courts of Juſtice ring with their ridiculous Complaints, and diverting the Publick with the continual Farce of their Extravagancies. All their Recreation is in bedaubing themſelves with Filth, and giving themſelves abundance of Trouble, and that at a vaſt Charge, in order to convince the Courts of Juſtice of their having ſuffered a Diſgrace, which they ought rather, if poſſible, to endeavour to unknow themſelves, and with the Fruits of which the honeſt Lawyers feaſt themſelves very merrily.

Theſe extravagant Wretches are divided into two Claſſes, whereof the one have taken up their Quarters in the Hoſpital of the Curables; theſe are ſuch, as after a fruitleſs Clamour, which has rendered them for ſome Time the Talk and Jeſt of the Town, begin to recover their Senſes, and ſay, that all Things rightly conſidered, taking one Woman with another, they ſtill like their own Wives beſt.

The others, who are lodged in a different, and yet leſs agreeable Quarter, are thoſe incurable Lunaticks, [26] who under the Direction of a hornified Phyſician, ride full Speed to lay their Bones in an Alms-Houſe, by making themſelves a Prey to a ſenſeleſs Obſtinacy, and being the continual Bubbles of the Vultures and Harpies of the Law.

The Deſolation of their Families, the Confinement of their Wives, the diſowning and baſtardizing of their own Children, with an inexhauſtable Fund of Law-Suits entailed one upon another, are the neceſſary Conſequences of their Frenzy; and the Countenance they find as long as they have Money wherewith to feed the hungry Lawyers, is what contributes to their Infatuation, and compleats their Ruin, to all Intents and Purpoſes.

One may ſee them always in a Fury, with their Eyes ſwelled out of their Heads, and their Faces in a Flame, running from Attorney to Attorney, and from Council to Council, hunting for, and hiring, at a vaſt Expence, falſe Witneſſes, who cover all them with Ignominy, ſtopping their Ears againſt all the good Counſel that is given them, and ſhutting their Eyes againſt all the Examples of thoſe who have recovered their Senſes. But of all theſe mad Wretches, none ſure was ever more diſtracted, than he over whoſe Door they paſted up the following Verſes.

[27] Pinchwife, the maddeſt of the horned Train,
Drunk with the Fumes that cloud his empty Brain,
Conſumes in Law the Income of a Lord,
To be allowed a Cuckold on Record:
Yet tell him, He's a Fool, and that the Town,
Laugh at his Clamour, and denide his Moan;
That ev'ry prudent Man in ſuch a Caſe,
Endeavours to keep ſecret his Diſgrace;
Go preach to ſuch a Wretch! as well you might.
Attempt to waſh an Aethiopian white.

On the other Side of the Pactolus are the Imaginary Cuckolds, who believe themſelves to be what they are not, and the Incredulous Cuckolds, who are not to be covinced that they are what they really are: Theſe are two Sorts of Citizens, of very different Tempers; the firſt reſolving to be Inhabitants of this City in Spight of all that could be done to prevent them; and the others being to the laſt Degree aſtoniſhed at their being made free thereof, without having any Title to it, as they are pleaſed to flatter themſelves. The Houſes of theſe Two Sorts of Citizens, whoſe Tempers are ſo very different, are ſeparated from each other, by a Rivulet called the Perverſe, whoſe Waters are ſo muddy and ſo thick, that the Eye cannot diſcover what lies at the Bottom.

[28] The Incredulous are only ſo, becauſe they repoſe too intire, and too implicit a Confidence in whatever their artful Wives endeavour to make them believe; they live contented, and at Quiet, but not like thoſe contented Ones in that Quarter called the Land of Plenty, who both know of, give Conſent to, and pocket up their Horns, in order to reap their own Benefit from it, but by the Means of an indolent Ignorance, that keeps them from all Uneaſineſs.

Whilſt the Day laſts, their whole Employment is to enjoy a ſweet and peaceable Repoſe in the Foreſt of Confidence, a Place that is impenetrable by the Rays of the Sun, and not within the reach of the Noiſe of the City. The one might in vain beat all their Drums, and ſound all their Trumpets, yet would it never in the leaſt diſturb their Ears; and the other might ſhine out with the greateſt Luſtre, and diffuſe all his brighteſt Rays around the Globe to as little Purpoſe, ſince it would not have the leaſt Effect upon their Eyes. Happy they in their peaceful Indolence! But more happy ſtill the artful Gipſies, who have brought them to ſuch a Paſs!

There is nothing to be ſeen in this Quarter, but mutual Pleaſure and Endearments between the Huſbands and Wives; the one, with an entire Confidence, think they can neither find Words obliging [29] enough, or Careſſes tender enough to thank their Dears for a Fidelity, which they are far from keeping; and the ſubtle Baggages, the more they deceive them, the more they redouble their Wheedling, their Careſſes, and all Manner of fond and enſnaring Endearments.

On the contrary, that Quarter which is inhabited by the Imaginary Cuckolds, differs widely from this in every Particular; the People there are moroſe, quarrelfome, and unſociable; one may obſerve them always upon their Guard againſt every Body, and both Sexes are equally ſubject to this Virtigo. Nothing there is to be heard, but Quarrels and Reproaches; the one are perpetually troubled with the Spleen, and the others with the Vapours; their very Children fall Sacrifices to this reciprocal Caprice; even the moſt legitimate are looked upon as Baſtard Grafts; every Thing there is miſconſtrued, and they judge of nothing without Prejudice. One cannot ſo much as ſet a Foot in the Streets, without finding a prodigious Number falling together by the Ears, and the honeſt Man in the Play,* who interpoſed impertinently between the Faggot-Maker and his Wife, in order to bring them to a Reconciliation, would have found full Employment [30] there, in meddling between the Bark and the Tree.

In ſhort, theſe People are abſolutely Incorrigible; for, although the Goddeſs of Reaſon once ſent the famous Moliere to them, from the Contented Witalls of the Land of Plenty, in order to convince them of their Infatuation, by drawing an admirable Picture of the Extravagance of their Imaginations, he could never ſucceed in the Cure he had undertaken, and their Brains remained as much addled as ever; wherefore ſome Time after they were complimented with the following Verſes.

When real Ills upon us fall,
If not felt, they're no Ills at all;
Nor do they cauſe much Grief or Pain:
But they whom fancied Ills oppreſs,
Sworn Foes to their own Happineſs,
Are bleſt with Health and Wealth in vain.
Incurable is their Diſeaſe,
In vain one ſtrives to give them Eaſe,
Ev'n Remedies themſelves offend;
And all the fruitleſs Pains we take,
On their ſick Brain a Cure to make,
Texaſperate them only tend.

[31] As Hornborough, although it is of a vaſt Extent, is far from being large enough to contain that prodigious Number of Inhabitants, who have actually an inconteſtable Right to a Freedom there, the Country round about ſwarms with the meaner Sort, who leave the City for Courtiers, Commiſſioners of the Treaſury and Cuſtoms, Gentlemen of Eſtates, great Merchants, ſubſtantial Tradeſmen, and ſome Officers of the Army; but above all for an infinite Number of Gown-Men, whoſe Profeſſion marks them out for a Head-Piece of Horn-Work, which they very ſeldom fail to wear.

Having thus given an Account of the whole Body of the Iſland, there remains now only two little Diſtricts to be deſcribed, which are two Peninſula's that run out into the Sea; the one, which is on a Neck of Land towards the North, is the Promontory of Divorce, and the other, which is on another towards the South, is the Promontory of Widowhood.

The Peninſula of Divorce, is only ſeparated from the Iſle of Marriage, by a very narrow Iſthmus, through which it is pretty difficult to paſs. It is called the Iſthmus of Corinth; and from thence came the Proverb, that every Body is not allowed to go to Corinth; that is to ſay, that [32] every Body is not allowed a Paſſage into the Peninſula of Divorce.

The Extravagance of an old Chancellour of a Dioceſs, who was deſirous of rendering this Paſſage more eaſy, induced him formerly to conſtitute an imprudent, filthy, and brutal Giant, called my Lord Congreſs, Superintendant of this Iſthmus. This was a Curious and Shameleſs Wretch, who in order to remove the Difficulties of this Paſſage, rendered Impotent, (by obliging them to be perform'd in Publick,) the Conjugal Efforts of thoſe Huſbands, who would have hindered their Wives from removing into this Peninſula. The Modeſty of the Moderns, wou'd no longer ſuffer this filthy Lord to expoſe the Combatants to this Shame and Infamy, wherefore they have caſhier'd this ridiculous Superintendant; but in Return, the artful Amathontins have brought into Play another Enchantreſs, who has been introduced under the Name of Separation, and they have ſupported her ſo well, that ſhe makes few Attempts without Succeſs.

It is ſhe who now peoples the Peninſula of Divorce, becauſe the River Repudiate, whereby they formerly arrived thither, is no longer navigable; thus by removing a ſmall Evil which produced a great Good, they have introduced a [33] ſmall Good, which does not prevent a great Evil.

This little Country has neither Towns nor Villages; all the Houſes are ſeparated from each other like Hermitages; and to take a View of it from the neighbouring Eminencies, one wou'd fancy it actually the Abode of ſome Anchorets. But the Solitude and Melancholy of theſe Deſarts, is mightily alleviated, by the frequent Intercourſe of the Amathontins, who take abundance of Delight therein, and find the Means to adminiſter agreeable Conſolation to the ſolitary Inhabitants. Above all, this is the Place where the Gentlemen of the long Robe gain the moſt Triumphs; for as the Fair Sex cannot get over the Difficulties that obſtruct this Paſſage, without the Aſſiſtance of thoſe who wear that Robe, their firſt Care is always to provide themſelves of a Protector, who may remove all Obſtacles.

The Inhabitants of this Country are not beloved by thoſe in the Iſle of Marriage; but when the latter take upon them to blame their Conduct, they have an Anſwer ready, which is as follows.

Full happily, tho' ſomething late,
We're freed from the curſed Marriage State,
[34] That Bane and Torment of our Lives;
You who've of late put on thoſe Chains,
And blame our Conduct, count your Gains,
When your new Dears are grown meer Wives.
A little Patience, we beſeech,
E're you begin to us to preach,
And you e're long will ſurely find,
That even they who fare the beſt,
And envy'd are by all the reſt,
Are far from Bleſt in their own Mind.

Although theſe Divorces are moſt commonly demanded by the Women, the Men ſometimes don't fail to take Advantage thereof, and ſeveral Huſbands have even found the Means to provoke their Wives artfully to ſue for them, and then pretending to oppoſe it, they ſuffer themſelves to be caſt, like Ovid's Miſtreſs, who was overcome (as he ſays) by her own Treachery. This made one of thoſe, who had got rid of his Matrimonial Burthen by this Artiſice, and had obtained a Place in this Solitude, have the Picture of a Ship in a Storm drawn in Freſco in his Cell, and the Pilot calling out to the Sailors to fling over board all the heavieſt Luggage, in Obedience to which Order, one of them takes up his Wife, and throws her into the Sea, with the following Lines at the Bottom of the Picture:

[35]
Whilſt th' angry Waves run Mountains high,
And o'er the ſhatter'd Veſſel break,
Throw over board, the Sailors cry,
Your heavieſt Goods, for all's at Stake.
Pleas'd with this Order to comply,
I to the Floods commit my Wife,
For ſure I am that never I,
Had heavier Goods in all my Life.

The other Peninſula is that of Widowhood, which is upon a Promontory that lies towards the South, and is only ſeparated from the reſt of the Iſland, by a very narrow Neck of Land, which is wholly taken up by a magnificent Mauſoleum, built after the Model of that of Queen Artemiſa; inſomuch that there is no paſſing for any one from the Iſle of Marriage, to the Diſtrict of Widowhood, but through this Tomb, by the Means of a ſubterraneous Vault, that is contrived under it.

The Inhabitants always make their Entrance there in Mourning, and they live there in Joy and Pleaſure; the Air of this Country, which every one there breaths with Freedom, being the moſt conſolatory in the World. Nevertheleſs, all the Inhabitants are not able to reliſh it with Pleaſure, and Satisfaction; for there comes a Wind, from the Coaſt of a certain little Province of the Iſland, called Binubia, whoſe malignant Atoms [36] cauſe new Itchings, which create ſuch Uneaſineſs, as thoſe that are troubled therewith, believe they can have no Cure for, without going to Binubia, and breathing the Air of that Place.

One cannot re-enter the Iſland of Marriage, but by this Coaſt, which makes a little ſeparate Province, and has even ſome particular Laws, which are not obſerved in the other Provinces.

In order to ſet ſail for this little Country of Binubia, the Inhabitants of the Peninſula of Widowhood, muſt embark at a certain little Port, which has taken its Name from the celebrated Epheſian Matron, becauſe it was there ſhe took ſhipping with her Soldier, in order to ſet ſail for Binubia. Nevertheleſs ſeveral Perſons have given it the Name of Evil Counſel, although the Marble, that is at the Foot of an old Statue which is placed there, gives very good Counſel in the following Verſes, which are to be ſeen thereon.

Why will you part with that dear Liberty,
Which you've ſo ſigh'd for, and ſo dearly bought?
Why run again into that Slavery,
Whence fortunately you by Death was brought?
From Shipwrack once eſcap'd the prudent Man,
When he's arriv'd ſafe at his wiſh'd for Port,
Tempts he the Dangers of the Sea again,
To make himſelf of Winds and Waves the Sport?

[37] And on the other Side of the Marble, one may read theſe other Verſes.

Whoe'er, once freed from Marriage Chain,
Hamper themſelves therein again,
Incorrigible write them down,
A Title they can't well diſown;
And I, with all my Soul, conſent,
To doom them to the Puniſhment,
Thoſe harden'd Culprits muſt expect,
Whom Mercy ſhewn will not affect.

'Tis impoſſible to imagine with what violent Fits of Laughter, what cutting Raillery, the Inhabitants of Widowhood banter thoſe who ſet out for Binubia; they hire an infinite Number of Hawkers, who are perpetually hollowing in their Ears, A Warning to all old Widows, who marry ſecond Huſbands. The lamentable Hiſtory and Downfall of the old Widower, who married his Cook-maid; come a Halfpenny a Piece, a Halfpenny a Piece, and a Thouſand other ſuch biting Jeſts, in Deriſion to thoſe, who have not the Reſolution to keep themſelves in that happy State, which perhaps they have ardently wiſh'd for a hundred Times, before the happy Minute of their Deliverance came.

[38] But the People of Binubia, who have often been themſelves the firſt, to rally thoſe whom they have afterwards follow'd, give, once for all, the following Anſwer to thoſe who ſtay behind.

Patience, too ſoon your Bliſs you boaſt,
Perhaps you count without your Hoſt;
Already once the Fool you've play'd,
And may again, you're not yet dead.

And perhaps they are not very much in the Wrong, when they anſwer them in this Manner; for it frequently happens that we fall into that very ſame Error, for which we have been the firſt to reprehend others; and moſt Part of the Inhabitants of Binubia, did not engage in ſecond Marriages, till after they had often endeavoured to diſſuade others from it.

Binubia, is a little City, whoſe Buildings are for the moſt Part old, and almoſt ready to fall; only the Walls are new white-waſh'd, new plaiſter'd up, and new painted according to Art, to hide all Defects. Every Thing there has a melancholy and mournful Aſpect: and as almoſt every Match there has been made by the Influence of Self-Intereſt, all there are intent upon managing their Affairs to their own private Advantage, [39] at the Expence of their Partner, whom they flatter themſelves with the Hopes of ſurviving. Accordingly the very beſt Employment of any in this Country, is to follow the Law, in order to take Advantage of the innumerable Law-Suits which are daily cauſed by ſecond Marriages.

Nothing is to be heard there, but the Complaints, and mournful Lamentations, of Children by a firſt Marriage, who have been robb'd, and cheated of their Right, to inrich thoſe by a ſecond; with endleſs Enquiries into Titles to Eſtates, to which the Lawyers at laſt become the Principal Heirs; and Diſputes about Guardians Accounts, and falſe Inventories: In ſhort, every Thing there is in Trouble and Confuſion, and the Pettyfoggers have not in the World ſuch another fruitful Nurſery of Law-Suits.

Having now given you an Account of all the different People that inhabit the Iſland of Marriage; viz. the Diſcreet, the Ill-match'd, the Ill-at-Eaſe, the Jealous, the Cuckolds, the Binubians, the Divorced, and the Inhabitants of Widowhood; nothing remains but to give likewiſe ſome Deſcription of their Enemies, the Amathontins, and the perpetual Wars they have with them.

[40] I have already obſerved that Amathontis, or the Iſland of Lovers, is not far diſtant from the Iſle of Marriage; and indeed it is ſo near, that the Amathontins are every Moment invading them in prodigious Numbers, and never fail making terrible Havock amongſt them; inſomuch that they are very ſeldom driven out again, when they have once got Footing there. One Province or other is always warmly engaged with them, eſpecially Cuckoldſhire, which is over-run with their Multitudes, and the others are not free from them.

Their Manner of waging War is very pleaſant, for it is not in Incurſions, that make a great Noiſe and Buſtle in the World, that they place their chief Hope, and Dependence; no, they do their Buſineſs much better, by introducing themſelves without Clamour, by getting Footing privately, and by gaining over to their Intereſt all the moſt conſiderable Perſons in the Country: But they have no ſooner made a Lodgment any where, but they know how to maintain themſelves therein, and the fewer they march in Company, the more formidable they are.

It is not then with open Force, that they attack the Enemy whom they deſign to overthrow; one hears neither Trumpet ſound, nor Drum beat, when they march either to ſtorm a Fort, or to [41] give Battle; all is done without Noiſe; Advances are all made either by Intrenchment, or by Sap, and their Battles are all reduced to ſingle Combat, every Man ſingling out the Enemy, with whom he chooſes to encounter.

As for their Weapons, Volleys of Sighs are their only Small-Arms; Languiſhing and dying Eyes, their only Swords; and the ſofteſt and moſt tender Expreſſions, their moſt dangerous Artillery: They have indeed a Kind of Short Stilletto which they always carry about them conceal'd, and with which they ſometimes give dangerous Stabs; but this is never but when they are very cloſe, and very warmly engaged, and have the Enemy down and at a Diſadvantage, for which Reaſon ſome Perſons will ſcarcely allow it to be a fair Weapon; but, be that as it will, it is well known, that few of the Enemy are afraid of its moſt home Thruſts. Their greateſt Valour then conſiſts only in their Submiſſion and Complaiſance to their Enemies; their Glory is wholly confin'd to loading them with their own Spoils; and their moſt compleat Victory is in expiring between the Arms of the conquer'd Enemy; in ſhort, the more ſecret their Triumphs are, the greater. Pleaſure they take in them.

By this Conduct, and provided the Sinews of War are not wanting, there is nothing which an [42] Amathontin cannot effect: No Fortifications are Proof againſt their Cannon, nor is there any Fort which will not ſurrender, if they perſevere in their Attacks. This made them once put the following Inſcription upon a Quiver, which they dedicated to the God of Love.

In th' Iſland which from Marriage takes its Name,
Eſpecially amongſt the Jealous Sands,
The watchfull'ſt, haughtieſt, and deſcreeteſt Dame,
With Difficuly can eſcape our Hands:
Yet do we never open War declare,
We are a kind of ſubtle Privateers;
And when we find a tender hearted Fair,
With all her num'rous Train of Hopes and Fears;
Let Argus all his Hundred Eyes employ,
Still will we be the Maſters of the Field,
In Spight of him we'll ſeize the killing Joy,
And force the coyeſt, ſtubborn'ſt She to yield.

Neither do they often fail of being as good as their Words. Theſe Amathontins, are an agreeable, free, good-humoured, generous, and diſintereſted People, inſomuch that inſtead of ravaging, and amaſſing Spoils in the Country of Marriage, they ſpend at ſuch a Rate, that they very often enrich thoſe they have overthrown, and [43] thoſe who have connived at their getting any Footing in the Country.

But whoever would attempt to deſcribe all the Wiles, and all the Stratagems, whereof this artful Nation makes uſe of, in order to introduce themſelves, make a Lodgment, and gain a compleat Victory, would be obliged to write Millions of Volumes. Not but that there are among them an infinite Number of Inconſtants, Indiſcreet Ones, and Impoſtors; one may hear Complaints made of them every Day. But, notwithſtanding all theſe Complaints, there would be no living without them, and half their Enemies would be in a very ſad Condition, if they ſhould ceaſe to make War upon them.

'Tis impoſſible to conceive into what a good Humour the Reading of this agreeable Piece put the whole Company, by its humerous Deſcription of the Iſle of Marriage. All owned it to be exquiſitely imagined, and to be carried on with the niceſt Judgment; at laſt it brought into our Minds the celebrated Map of Tender in the Romance of Clelia, which formerly was highly extoll'd, but every one agreed that this had ſeveral Beauties, and a Delicacy, and Turn, which the other was far from coming up to.

Every one then called to Remembrance thoſe Places which had made the moſt lively Impreſſion [44] upon their Imagination; but of all the Parts of the Iſland, they always returned again to Hornborough, through a certain natural Inclination, which ſeems to draw all the World thither; either to make Part of its Inhabitants, or to laugh at them, and very often for both. For the Citizens of this vaſt City have this merry Faculty belonging to them, that they generally ridicule one another; ſome to divert Peoples Thoughts from being fixed upon them, and others to comfort themſelves for their own Diſgrace.

At laſt, Melinda, one of the three Ladies who were with us, and who has a delicate and juſt Way of thinking and expreſſing herſelf, turned about to me, and aſked me, If I could give any Reaſon, why People were fond of having it thought, that the Horned Society are the Chief, and moſt numerous Part of the Inhabitanes of this vaſt Country.

You aſk me a Queſtion, Madam, ſaid I, to which it is not very difficult to find an Anſwer; for as ſoon as you reflect, that this formidable Society conſiſts for the moſt Part of Men who are haughty, unſociable, moroſe, ſnappiſh, ill-natured, uncomplaiſant, uneaſy in their Circumſtances, and perpetually employed about every Thing that is the moſt unlikely to render a Man gallant and [45] agreeable, you will find more Reaſons than one, for what you deſire to know.

Theſe few Words opened us a large Field of Scandal, and gave us full Scope to take a general Review of ſome Hundreds of our Acquaintance, which we accordingly did afterwards, Time not then permitting by Reaſon Dinner was ready: Wherefore we adjourned our Satire 'till Afternoon, at the joint Invitation of Ceres, Bacchus, and our own Appetites, which were by this Time pretty ſharp ſet. What paſſed afterwards may poſſibly prove the Entertainment of another Day, if this meets with a favourable Acceptance from the Town.

FINIS.

Appendix A

[]

Appendix A.1

THE BATCHELOR's ESTIMATE OF THE EXPENCES OF A Married Life. In a LETTER to a FRIEND. Being an Anſwer to a Propoſal of Marrying a LADY with 2000 l. Fortune.

Haec Noſſe ſalus eſt Adoleſcentulis. Ter.

LONDON: Printed in the Year 1742.

Appendix A.2 THE BATCHELOR's ESTIMATE OE THE EXPENCES OF A Marriage Life.

[]
SIR,

TO the Propoſal you made me (for which I acknowledge the Obligation, becauſe I am ſure it proceeded from your good Opinion of me) I return the following Anſwer.

You propoſe I ſhould marry your Relation, who is worth 2000 l. down, which is indeed a handſome Fortune, and ſuch, that I have the [50] Modeſty to think I do not deſerve, yet at preſent cannot accept of the Propoſal, becauſe the following neceſſary Expences ariſe ſo frequently, and ſo openly to my View, that I muſt own, whenever I have thought of Matrimony, they have (contrary to my real Inclination) deterred me from entering into that agreeable State.

 l. s. d.
I now live in Chambers which coſt me 20 l. a Year, as ſoon as married I muſt take a Houſe, which I cannot have ſuitable to me and my Buſineſs under 50 l. ſo that there will be a yearly Increaſe in Houſe-Rent only30 00 00
Church, Window and Poor's Taxes, Payments to Rector, Reader and Lecturer, Water, Trophy-Money, Militia, Lamp, Scavengers, Watch, Conſtable, &c. all which I am now free from, muſt be then paid, which cannot amount to leſs than09 00 00
Expences of Tea, Coffee, Chocolate, Sugar, Spirits, and freſh Supply of China yearly12 00 00
 51 00 00
[51]l. s. d.
Brought forward51 00 00
To my Bed-Maker, I pay about 50 s. a Year; when married I muſt keep two Maid-Servants and a Man, whoſe Wages, and the Man's Livery, muſt at leaſt come to 20 l. a Year; ſo that here is an extraordinary Expence of17 10 00
Coach, Watermen and Chair-Hire for my Wife to make Viſits, take the Air, to ſee Plays, &c. at a reaſonable and yearly Computation03 10 00
Her Expences at thoſe Diverſions03 10 00
I now ſeldom go to ſee above a Play in a Seaſon, I muſt in Complaiſance to my Wife ſometimes wait on her, and partake of thoſe Entertainments (for I do not think it proper ſhe ſhould go alone) which I will moderately compute at01 10 00
 77 00 00
[52]l. s. d.
Brought forward77 00 00
It coſts me now about 40 s. a Year in Coals, I am ſure it muſt then coſt me 12 l. ſo that here is another yearly Increaſe of Expence10 00 00
The ſame of Candles in Proportion05 00 00
My Wife's neceſſary wearing Apparel30 00 00
 122 00 00

Having a Family of my own, I ſhall diminiſh little or nothing elſe out of the Expences of my Dinners; as to the Evening Expences, you know married Men go abroad as often at that Time as Batchelors, and I won't promiſe to be more Uxorious than my Neighbours; ſo that inſtead of 25 l. a Year at the moſt it now coſts me in Dinners, I ſhall have the following Bills to pay Yearly, viz.

 l. s. d.
From the former Calculation122 00 00
The Butcher35 00 00
—Poulterer10 00 00
 167 00 00
[53]l. s. d.
Brought forward167 00 00
The Fiſhmonger06 00 00
—Herb-Woman07 00 00
—Oylman05 00 00
—Baker12 00 00
—Brewer12 00 00
—Grocer06 00 00
—Confectioner02 00 00
—Perfumer03 00 00
—Cheeſemonger04 00 00
Wine, Cider, &c. at a moderate Computation30 00 00
The Fruiterer01 10 00
The Milk-Woman01 00 00
Salt, Small-Coal, Rotten-Stone, Brick-Duſt, Sand, Fullers-Earth, Sope, Matches, Vinegar, Aſhes, Scouring-Paper, Oat-Meal, Whiteing, and many other little Ingredients in Houſe-keeping I am ignorant of05 00 00
 261 10 00
[54]l. s. d.
Brought forward261 10 00
So that deducting thereout the 30 l. being the Charge of my Dinners, there will be a neceſſary additional Matrimonial Expence in Houſe-keeping231 10 00
If my Wife pleaſes me, as I do not doubt but your Relation will (I know my own Temper ſo well in that Reſpect, that) I ſhall be often making her Preſents of either Rings, Jewels, Snuff-Boxes, Watch, Tweezers, ſome Knick-Knacks, and Things of that Nature, in which, one Year with another, I am ſure I ſhall expend05 00 00
The Expences of the Buying-in, and a Succeſſion of Parrots, Lap-Dogs, Canary-Birds, &c.05 00 00
 241 10 00
[55]l. s. d.
Brought forward241 10 00
Then comes an Article I leaſt wiſh for, but happens in moſt Families, my Wife's Servants, the Expences of Doctor and Apothecary, and though it is accidental, yet one Year with another cannot come ſhort of05 00 00
As for Children, I dare ſay, our Attempts in that Reſpect will not prove fruitleſs, we may reaſonably expect one in every two Years, if not oftner, but it ſhall not be my Fault if it does not. 
The Expence of Lying-in, Childbed-Linnen, Midwife, Nurſes, Cawdles, Baſkets, Cradle, Chriſtenings, Blankets, Pinns, Clouts, &c. muſt at leaſt be 30 l. ſo that if it ſhould happen once in two Years, it may be reckoned a yearly Expence of15 00 00
 261 10 00
[56]l. s. d.
Brought forward261 10 00
Nurſing, Maintaining, Education, Cloaths, Schooling of our Children even in their Infancy, and which muſt be increaſed as they advance in Years, beſides their Fortunes, (which muſt be ſaved, or got, to the no ſmall Care, Toil and Fatigue of the Parent,) at a randam Calculation, and vaſtly leſs than I am ſatisfied it will be30 00 00
Pew in the Church02 00 00
Waſhing my Wife's and the Family Linnen08 00 00
Repairs of Furniture, new Brooms, Mops, Bruſhes, and Rubbers, Matts, Carpetts, Altering, Exchange, and Repairs of Furniture02 00 00
 303 10 00

[57] The Furniture of my Houſe, and Table-Linnen, cannot come ſhort of 300 l. which, with 50 l. for Plate (without which, being ſo moderate a Quantity, I dare) ſay my Wife, nor indeed ſhould I myſelf be ſatisfied) will lie dead, daily decreaſe in its Value, and bring me in no Income; I muſt therefore reckon my Wife's Fortune (in point of its bringing me in a Yearly Income) at no more than 1650 l.

Now, Sir, as you have been a Houſe-Keeper, and married theſe ſeveral Years, pray tell me, If in any one Article, I have charged too much? Whether if I have not rather under-charged them, and omitted ſeveral, that I, being unacquainted with theſe Sort of Things, can have no Knowledge of?

If therefore it is a moderate Computation, and neceſſary, ſuppoſing Intereſt to continue at five per Cent. (which is unlikely) the Produce of 1650 l. is only 82 l. 10 s. and if it ſhould fall to four per Cent. is only 66 l. In the one Caſe, I muſt neceſſarily expend on my Wife 221 l. in the other 237 l. 10 s. above the Income of the Fortune ſhe brings, beſides the Hazard and Want of Security for the Money, which ought to be conſidered, [58] and though it be neceſſary, yet how reaſonable it is, I ſubmit to you.

Theſe Things conſidered (and he that marries without previous Conſideration acts very indiſcreetly) I do not ſee how I can marry a Woman with the Fortune you propoſe, or that I ſhould better my ſelf at all by it, and in Prudence, People ſhould do ſo, or let it alone; (not that I propoſe or think to have more) I muſt therefore live ſingle, tho' with ſome Regret that I cannot do otherwiſe, and increaſe my own Fortune, which happens to be ſufficient for my own Maintenance till, (if I may ſo call it) I can afford Matrimony.

I wiſh the Lady all Happineſs and a better Huſband, and if it be for her Satisfaction, one who has thought leſs of the Matter; not but that I have a very good Opinion of Matrimony, and think of it with Pleaſure, as hoping one Time or other to enter into its Liſt, but I now wait with Patience, till my Circumſtances or Thoughts vary.

One Thing I would not have you miſtaken in, is, that I do not mean that your Relation will be thus expenſive to me, more than any other, only that whenever I marry, let her be who ſhe will, I muſt neceſſarily (if ſhe has no more Fortune [59] than you propoſe) expend conſiderably more than 200 l. a Year on her, above the Income of her Fortune, and at preſent I cannot perſuade my ſelf to be at ſo great an Expence, for the Sake of trying a dangerous Experiment, whether the Pleaſures of Matrimony are Yearly worth that Sum: All which is ſubmitted to your Conſideration, by

SIR,
Your moſt Obliged Humble Servant.

Appendix B

[]

Appendix B.1

The Married Man's ANSWER TO THE BATCHELOR's ESTIMATE OF THE EXPENCES of a Married Life; In a LETTER to JOHN SINGLE, of GRAY'S-INN, Eſq

LONDON: Printed in the Year M,DCC,XLII.

Appendix B.2 The Married Man's ANSWER TO THE BATCHELOR's ESTIMATE OF THE EXPENCES of a Married Life; In a LETTER To John Single, of Gray's-Inn, Eſq

[]
Dear SIR,

YOUR Eſtimate has been read over and conſidered in our Family, and now lies upon the Table to be peruſed by the Neighbours.

Several Objections have been made to it, I ſhall take Notice of ſome of them. It is obſerved, That you do not deal with that Candour and Ingenuity in ſtating the Account that you ought to do; for in the Way you compute, you make [64] no Allowance for the Reputation and Advantage which you will in many Reſpects gain, and which will accrue to your ſelf by a Houſe kept in the Manner you mention; the Credit of which, in a great Meaſure, centers in you, while the Care of it lies wholly upon your Wife. So that in 128 l. per Annum, conſiſting of fourteen Articles, from the Butcher's Bill, down to Brick-Duſt, Rotten-Stone, Whiteing, and other little Ingredients, you will be found not only to be the greateſt Cauſe of the Expence, but will have the principal Share in the Pleaſure, and in the Eſteem obtained by it; tho' it is true, Fullers-Rents and Sheer-Lane loſe 1 s. 3 d. a Day by your Dinners. The ſame Error runs through ſome other Articles; for my Relation will not, I believe, eaſily comprehend why ſhe ſhould be ſolely loaded with the Charge of expending 45 l. per Annum upon Children, which you ſeem very well diſpoſed to get. Beſides, let me tell you, Jack, you ought to bring into the Account the Saving which will ariſe from the regular Proceeding in that Affair, which, upon the Change of your Condition, you muſt make to come wonderfully cheap to you; a Grandee of Spain reproached the Lady whom he had married with a ſmall Fortune, that he believed that every Pleaſure he had had with her, had coſt him a Dobloon a Time; ſhe replied, that was none of [65] her Fault, for his Excellency might have reduced it to ſix Denieres a Time if he had pleaſed, in the two Years they had lain together. I doubt you ſink an Article of your Expence here; you know, Jack, your beloved Horace ſays, there are Things, quibus doleat Natura negatis, and does not loveleſs, joyleſs, unindeared, caſual Fruition coſt you Money? You tell us of the Doctor and the Apothecary when you are married; 'tis well for you, if you ſteer clear of the Surgeon before you enter into that State. Nothing but urgent Neceſſity can draw Money from you; he that deals in cheap Pictures, and cheap Women, is a Loſer at laſt.

In your concluding Remark, you ſeem unjuſtly to diminiſh my Kinſwoman's Fortune; for is not the 300 l. Furniture of your Houſe and Table-Linen, with the 50 l. for Plate, your own as much as if it were in Caſh? And does not every Circumſtance in a married Life recommend you to the World, equal to the Money it coſts you, if laid out prudently? You have a Settlement by it, that makes you a better Subject, a more uſeful Friend, and a more virtuous Man.

How many are they who by Degrees hardening themſelves againſt the Sex eſtabliſhed by the Laws of Nature, and of the Land, at laſt fall into a horrible and odious Sin of Non-Conformity, never [66] tolerated in any Chriſtian Country? This ſometimes draws an Expence after it in a Compoſition far exceeding the 43 l. per Annum, the proper and ſole Charge of the Pleaſures of Matrimony by your own Calculation, which you cannot perſuade your ſelf to undergo, as not thinking them yearly worth that Sum.

Conſider Jack, who are your truly idle Fellows in Town and Country, that ſaunter away their Time at Coffee-Houſes and at Gaming-Tables: They are all or moſt of them of your Family, Mr Single. The young Fellows who are always ſtudying how to ſpend Time, to paſs away Time, to wear away Time, to kill Time, they are all of your Family: the Reaſon is plain, they have nothing in the World for which it is worth while to improve Time. Beſides, Idleneſs teacheth all Kind of Evil, and while you by your parſimonious Celibacy deny your ſelf the proper Remedy, you cheriſh the Diſeaſe, and at the ſame Time you endeavour to check the River in its natural Channel, you make it overflow the bordering Meadows.

What Topicks are uſed to incite a Man to defend the Liberty of his Country? 'Tis for the Sake of his Family and Poſterity, for the Sake of his Wife and Children; the Argument will have little Force, if urged for the Sake of Jack Single, [67] at his Chambers two Pair of Stairs high in Grey's-Inn.

What Argument did the Gaſcon uſe to reſtrain a Man from a raſh (as he thought it,) Action? Fighting with him; won't you conſider, crys the Gaſcon, (when their Swords were drawn,) your Wife? No, ſays the Man. Won't you conſider, crys he, your Wife and Children? No, No, ſays the other, then I will, reply'd the Gaſcon, and gravely put up his Sword.

I ſhall conclude with the Words of DIVINE MILTON.

Hail wedded Love! Myſterious Law! true Source
Of Human Off-ſpring! ſole Propriety
In Paradiſe, of all Things common elſe!
By thee Adult'rous Luſt was driv'n from Man
Among the Beſtial Herds to range: By thee
Founded in Reaſon, loyal, juſt and pure,
Relation dear, and all the Charities
Of Father, Son, and Brother firſt were known!
Perpetual Fountain of Domeſtick Sweets!
Here Love his Golden Shafts employs; here lights
His conſtant Lamp, and waves his purple Wings,
Here reigns and revels—

[68] And with DRYDEN.

When fix'd to one, Love ſafe at Anchor rides,
And dares the Fury of the Winds and Tides;
But loſing once that Hold, to the wide Ocean borne,
It drives away at Will, to ev'ry Wave a Scorn.
FINIS.

Appendix C

[]

Appendix C.1

NONE BUT Fools Marry; OR A VINDICATION OF THE BATCHELOR's ESTIMATE, In ANSWER to the OBJECTIONS made againſt it.

LONDON: Printed in the Year M,DCC,XLII [...]

Appendix C.2 NONE BUT Fools Marry.

[]

AS I am the real Author of the Batchelor's Eſtimate, which has for ſome Time afforded Diverſion to, and undergone the Criticiſms of the Town; I think in Juſtice to it, I ſhould vindicate it from the Aſperſions thrown on it and the Author, eſpecially from thoſe in Print, that I think worth conſidering. As to two of them the LADY's ANSWER, and the WOMAN's ADVOCATE, I ſhall take no farther Notice of them, than that they have the Names of Anſwers, only to make the Copies of the Eſtimate, which they annexed to them, and pirated from the true Proprietor, to ſell the better. As to the firſt, the Town at its firſt coming out was ſufficiently ſatisfied 'twas a Grub-ſtreet; as to the ſecond, I think it beneath a Gentleman to anſwer [74] it, becauſe no Gentleman could have wrote it, conſiſting of ſo much Scurrility: It's ſufficient Satisfaction to me to obſerve, that the Readers of it, from its being ſo prepoſterous and ſcurrilous, immediately cry out of the Author, This Fellow is a Fool. As to the Married Man's Anſwer, becauſe 'tis wrote like a Gentleman, and with no ſuch ſordid View as the others were, I chuſe for thoſe Reaſons to anſwer it, and ſhall therefore in ſo doing addreſs myſelf to the Author thereof.

The firſt Thing, Sir, you begin with by way of Anſwer, is, That I make no Allowance for the Reputation and Advantage, which you ſay I ſhall in many Reſpects gain by Houſe-keeping. Could you have mentioned any one of thoſe many Reſpects, I don't doubt but that you would; but ſuch a general Charge, without any Reaſon or Foundation mention'd to ſupport it, ſeems to me to argue, as if you could not maintain your Allegation; and indeed I can't conceive how you can. Does paying Pariſh-Taxes clear our Intellects, or does Matrimony refine our Judgements? If not, how comes it about, and on what Foundation can the married Man and Houſe-keeper have a greater Reputation than the Batchelor? I muſt own I don't know: But now I think on't indeed, in one reſpect he may; that is, by marrying an agreeable Woman he ſtands a very fair Chance of having a [75] Reputation, now very much in vogue, in that State; which, I thank my Stars, I, as a Batchelor, am only capacitated to give, but not to receive. Was I to employ a Perſon to manage my Affairs, I ſhould chuſe to employ the Batchelor, in regard the married Man has ſo much to do to mind his Family-Affairs, he'll have but little Time to mind thoſe of others.

As to the Deductions you would have made on the Account of caſual Fruition, and the conſequential Articles of it; before you make ſuch a Deduction, you ſhould firſt lay it down as neceſſary, that young Fellows muſt Whore or Marry, otherwiſe 'tis ungenerous to tax me, as I have not committed the one, that I muſt the other. If you make it out, that a Batchelor muſt go a whoring, you have found out ſomething new, and as the firſt Diſcoveries of any Thing uſeful ought to have Thanks, you have mine. If there's no ſuch Neceſſity, for ought you know I may be one of thoſe Batchelors, that walking between two Precipices (Whoredom and Matrimony) may have ſo cautiouſly directed my Steps, as to avoid both. But as 'tis not for my Credit with the Fair Sex to pretend not to have been gratified by any of them, I own I have had ſome Amours, but not with ſuch as were ſordidly proſtituting their Charms for Gain; but with thoſe only, who gratified [76] me for no other Proſpect, than an equal Return of Love, conſequently no Deduction ought to be made on the Account of the Expence of it. But ſuppoſing that my Taſte has been ſo very low, as to take up with thoſe, that lett their Charms to hire, and that I have been at ſome Expence in that Reſpect; yet as Women are now-a-days very cheap (pardon me, I mean thoſe of the Town) and their Price runs at a low Ebb; 30 l. a Year will drive a pretty good Trade with that Sort of Ware; and I am told you may agree by the Great, and for Five Guineas a Year inſure yourſelf againſt any ill Conſequences that may happen. And if the Expence of caſual Fruition is no more (as prudent Dealers therein aſſure me it is not) I am ſure the Undervaluations and Omiſſions in my Eſtimate amount to above twice thoſe Sums.

You alledge (and for Argument-ſake ſuppoſe it true) that in the Articles of Houſe-keeping I ſhall have the principal Pleaſure, yet I muſt be at ſix Parts in ſeven of the Expence. Pray how ſtands it then? Is that Encouragement to commence Huſband?

'Tis not my Wife, but I, ſhall bear the Load of the Expence of Children, for you ſee her Fortune can ſcarcely anſwer any Expence at all; but as ſhe partakes of an equal, if not, as moſt allow, a greater Pleaſure in the begetting them, I don't [77] ſee why ſhe ſhould not proportionably contribute to their Maintenance.

By the Story of the Spaniſh Grandee, you would inſinuate (and conſiſtent enough with your Admiſſion of my being well diſpos'd to get Children) that let it coſt me what it will, I may by a frequent Repetition of the Pleaſures of Matrimony, (and I dare ſay, not diſagreeable to my Wife) reduce the Expence of each Pleaſure to a very minute Sum, unleſs it was my own Fault, which admits a Readineſs of one Side. But on a ſecond Calculation of the Expences of the Eſtimate, I find I ſhall pay for thoſe Pleaſures at the Rate of 12 s. 8 d. for each Night's Lodging; a meer Trifle, you'll ſay: But however, whether after Honey-Moon is over, (which, by the Way, they tell me is the ſhorteſt in the Year) thoſe Pleaſures will be ſo frequent, as to reduce the Expence of them to a very minute Sum; or on the other Side, whether ſeveral 12 s. 8 Pences will not be expended towards each Pleaſure, is the hazardous Experiment I ſtill decline to make; but leave it to thoſe who have ſhot the Gulf, and now know the Danger, to reflect how prudent they were, when they undertook ſo hardy an Enterprize: where, let the dear Partner be ſullen and ill temper'd, or gay and good-natur'd; let her by Chance or otherwiſe be ugly or agreeable; [78] let her be obſtreperous and unruly, and, Xantippe like, ſcold me out of Houſe and Home, or be meek and condeſcending; let her be expenſive (and what ſome good Wives have induſtriouſly done) run me into Goal, or the frugal and careful; let her be healthy or ailing; let her be a Meſſalina, or a Lucrece; let her have all the ill, and none of the good Qualities; yet this dear Creature I am deſtin'd to love and cheriſh for Life, ſhe muſt be Partaker of my Bed and Board. From this Bargain, tho' ne'er ſo ill concerted, there's no Appeal lies, or any Redreſs to be had. Who then that lives already comfortably and happy, would, (not knowing when he was well) be Fool enough to make an Experiment; where, if it happens according to his Wiſhes, he can but live ſtill comfortable and happy; and where, if it does not (as I believe moſt People will allow it to be a reaſonable Chance to lay twenty to one againſt him) he'll have only this ſad Reflection; I was happy, but ſtrove to be otherwiſe, and am ſo. Such an Experiment would be as prudent, as that made by a Perſon, who having a very valuable Diamond, would needs try, whether it was ſo hard as to bear the Strokes of a Hammer on an Anvil. He ſatisfied his Curioſity; what follow'd? The Diamond broke, and the Poſſeſſor of it curſt his Stars, for having been ſuch a Fool.

[79] You ſay by Marriage I became a better Subject, a more uſeful Friend, and a more virtuous Man, neither of which can I allow. As to the firſt then; There is no Law that commands or forbids us to marry; He that does not, tranſgreſſes no Law; and he that does, complies with none. How can one then be a better Member of a Community, or a better Subject than the other, when what is ſaid to make a Difference between them, is in itſelf indifferent. But as every Body, thank Heaven, is left to his own Choice; and mine, I think, is the beſt, being conſiſtent with the Opinion of an inſpired Writer; I pronounce myſelf a better Subject, who can without Injuſtice to any, freely engage in the Service of my King and Country; and as Pomfret ſays, afford them my Tongue, my Pen, my Fortune and my Sword; than he, that is obliged to make uſe of all theſe, to miniſter to the Neceſſities of a Family, which he is ty'd to; and which, conſiſtent with the Laws of God and Man, 'tis his utmoſt Duty to provide for.

To be a more uſeful Friend, it is almoſt impoſſible for a married Man; for he muſt (and it is a great Sin if he omits it) breed up, maintain and provide for his Family: if, during that Time, he ſhould provide for a Relation, do a Friend a Kindneſs, or this, or that Act of Charity, it [80] will be looked upon to be, and ſo it is in Fact, ſo far a Robbery of his own Family; ſo that the Tyes of his Duty in that Reſpect are ſo ſtrong, he can ſcarce do one Act of Benevolence to any other: ſo true is the old Proverb, Charity begins at Home. And even when he has done all he can, his thankleſs Children (which, by the way, is no great Encouragement to beget them) think he made a very ill Uſe of his Time, in not having raiſed them greater Fortunes: Whereas the Batchelor having none but himſelf to provide for, and having the ſame Methods and Talents of becoming rich, with the married Man, without a Quarter of the Expence, ſoon gains that End; while it is well, if the married Man, with his greateſt Induſtry, ſupports his Family. The Batchelor gives his Niece, or Couſin a Fortune, and places her in the World; binds a Nephew Apprentice, puts out a poor Child to School, relieves a poor iuduſtrious Family ſtruggling with Poverty, lends or gives a Friend a Sum on an Emergency; ALL theſe he does, not as a Performance of any Duty incumbent on him, nor will it be eſteemed as ſuch, but as meer Acts of Benevolence; he robs none, he does none Injuſtice, his Family at home want it not; he is valued and reſpected as a truly generous Soul, he ſees the good Things he does, rewarded in the Gratitude of the Receivers [81] of his Benevolence; and in the Increaſe of his Fortune, which, with his good Intentions, gives him Ability; whilſt the married Man, tho' perhaps he may have the Inclination, yet very ſeldom has the Ability of being half ſo uſeful a Friend as the Batchelor.

As to the married Man's being more virtuous than a Batchelor, I am ſatisfied there are ſo many Provocations to Paſſion in Family-Concerns, that the married Man lies under a frequenter Temptation to Sin in that reſpect: And beſides, the neceſſary Parſimony a Huſband muſt be Maſter of, to ſupport his Family, often betrays him into a ſtrange Narrowneſs of Temper and Avarice. And every Body knows, that there are Sins, and great ones too, incident only to a married State, which, it is well, if they are avoided: Thoſe of Omiſſion, even were our Boſom Friends our Wives Judges, I dare ſay, are not few.

As to the odious Sin of Nonconformity, I think it is ungenerous in the higheſt Degree to ſuggeſt any Thing without due Grounds for it; but let it ſtick on the Guilty: As for my Part, I aſſure you, I love the Fair Sex ſo well, I would willingly oblige them in any Thing in the World, but marry them.

As to ſauntering at Coffee-Houſes, and Loſs at Play, I would have you know I have Buſineſs [82] to employ me, ſo as not to be idle; and even not to have Time ſo much almoſt as to think of Matrimony, (for I think none but Idlers do think on it;) and as to Play, I am ſo far averſe to any Thing that is attended with Hazard and Uncertainty, that I decline Matrimony on that Account, being with reſpect to the Hazard of it, a Species of Gaming.

The Ladies are much obliged to you for being their Advocate; all the Men of Honour will ſurely be married immediately, there will ſcarce be a Girl left; for by the Gaſcoon Story, you have plainly ſhewn, that thoſe that marry, and have Families, muſt of neceſſity be Cowards; and yet I don't know how to think them ſo, ſince they DARE marry.

As to the two Quotations out of Milton and Dryden, pray read the following ones out of the ſame Authors, and reconcile them.

—Oh! Why did God,
Creator wiſe! That peopled higheſt Heav'n
With Spirits Maſculine, create at laſt
This Novelty on Earth, this fair Defect
Of Nature; and not fill the World at once,
With Men as Angels without Feminine?
Or find ſome other Way to generate
Mankind? This Miſchief had not then befal'n,
[83] And more that ſhall befal: Innumerable
Diſturbances on Earth thro' Female Snares,
And ſtrait Conjunction with the Sex;—for either
He never ſhall find out fit Mate, but ſuch
As ſome Misfortune brings him, or Miſtake
Which infinite Calamity ſhall cauſe
To human Life, and Houſhold Peace confound.
MILTON.
Marriage, thou Curſe of Love, and Snare of Life!
That firſt debas'd a Miſtreſs to a Wife!
Love like a Scene at Diſtance ſhall appear,
But Marriage views the groſs-daub'd Landſcape near,
Love's nauſeous Cure! thou cloy'ſt, whom thou ſhould'ſt pleaſe,
And when thou cur'ſt, then thou art the Diſeaſe:
When Hearts are looſe, thy Chain our Bodies ties,
Love couples Friends, but Marriage Enemies.

And again.

Lord of yourſelf, uncumber'd with a Wiſe;
Where for a Year, a Month, perhaps a Night,
Long Penitence ſucceeds a ſhort Delight,
Minds are ſo hardly match'd, that ev'n the firſt,
Tho' pair'd by Heaven, in Paradiſe were curſt;
[84] For Man and Woman, tho' in One they grow,
Yet firſt or laſt return again to Two.
He to God's Image, ſhe to his was made,
So farther from the Fount, the Stream at random ſtray'd,
How could he ſtand, when put to double Pain,
He muſt a Weaker than himſelf ſuſtain;
Each might have ſtood, perhaps, but each Alone,
Two Wreſtlers help to pull each other down:
Not that my Verſe would blemiſh all the Fair;
But yet, if ſome be bad, 'tis Prudence to beware,
And better ſhun the Bait, than ſtruggle in the Snare.
DRYDEN.

I would gladly know what End is attained by Matrimony; you ſay, and 'tis admitted, the Batchelor has had particular Favours granted him by the Fair Sex, and that he's no Novice to their Charms. What Excuſe has he then for Matrimony? only an idle Curioſity, to try whether the Pleaſures a Woman affords you, that has ſordidly tied you Neck and Heels in Loads of Parchments and Settlements, and who would have differ'd with you, if your Eſtate had fell ſhort of being adequate to her Fortune by 5l. a Year; whether thoſe Pleaſures are more refined, than thoſe of a truly generous-ſpirited Girl, that obliges [85] you without Signing and Sealing. And there's one Thing remarkable, that the latter neither expects nor deſires your Affections any longer than ſhe, by her continuing agreeable, merits them; and in caſe, as in all other fair Dealings, you don't like her, you are at your Liberty to act as you pleaſe: But the former, in caſe ſhe does not anſwer the Sample of her Face, (the only one you are permitted to have) and proves diſagreeable, ſhe ſticks to you for Life; and, as if touched with Birdlime, the more you ſtruggle, the leſs you have Power ſo to do.

But to return to my Eſtimate, I can't conceive why I ſhould, as I find I have, made ſo many of the Fair Sex my Enemies. Says one, I will certainly pull him by the Noſe, another threatens to box my Ears, a third excludes me from the Tea-Table, I am forbid to make my uſual Viſits to them. But what is moſt unreaſonable, thoſe Viragoes I find are all out of the Caſe, my Eſtimate has nothing to do with them; for their Fortunes are ſo ſmall, (excluſive of their own dear Perſons, which ſome more amorous Gentlemen may think Fortune enough) that they won't bear to be eſtimated: But did they but rightly conſider, is it not more generous to refrain, even tho' contrary to Inclination, as I propoſed, till my Circumſtances can afford to [86] maintain a Woman genteelly, than marry, and with both our Fortunes but juſt barely ſubſiſt?

Did young Fellows before they marry, but coolly ſit down and conſider what they were going about, and make proper Eſtimates, 'tis to be hoped the Number of miſerable Wives, and unprovided Children, would be very much diminiſh'd. But in anſwer to all that can be alledg'd of the Expenſiveneſs of a married State, the Women cry out, the Pleaſures thereof are ſo great, they are not to be rated according to any Expence, that attends the purchaſing of them. 'Tis true, Batchelors are at a Loſs to gueſs what they are; and if that will do the Fair Sex any Service, I will admit them very great, yea, next to thoſe of Heaven; for, like them, I am ſure they are inconceivable.

But now I think on't, why do I talk of marrying? I can have no Hopes of ſuch Happineſs, each fair Lady is determined not to have the wicked calculating Batchelor, (tho' they'd do well to ſtay till they are aſk'd) no, not if he was worth 50, 000 l. But why? becauſe he told the Truth. If that's to be the Caſe, (tho' I don't ſay I will not have them if they were worth ſo much) and I muſt have NO WIFE, I ſay CONTENT; or to uſe the Words of a Great Man of the Law, BE IT SO.

[87] From what I have ſaid, I would not have you think I diſlike Matrimony, or that I would caſt an Odium on, or ridicule that State, as ſome modern Batchelors do: Say they, Matrimony is like a hungry Dog and a Bone; no ſooner is the Bone found, but the Dog, wonderfully pleas'd with the Adventure, endeavours all he can to devour it; but alter the Poſition of the Bone, take it and tie it to his Tail, the poor Creature runs from it with all his Speed, nor is he eaſy till he gets rid of it. Nor can I commend a Gentleman pretty well known in Town, that lay in almoſt the worſt Condition the Gratification of a looſe Paſſion could bring him to, who cry'd out in a faultering Tone to his Friend and Viſitor, Even This, TOM, is better than Matrimony.

No,

—Higher of the Genial Bed by far,
And with myſterious Reverence, I deem.
I am, Dear Sir, Your very Humble Servant, JACK SINGLE.

Appendix D We ſhall conclude our MISCELLANY with the two following SONGS.

[88]

Appendix D.1

THE Man who for Life
Is bleſt with a Wife,
Is ſure in a happy Condition,
Go Things how they will
She ſticks by him ſtill,
She's Comforter, Friend and Phyſician.
Pray where is the Joy,
To Trifle and Toy?
Yet dread ſome Diſaſter from Beauty?
But ſweet is the Bliſs
Of a Conjugal Kiſs,
Where Paſſion is mingled with Duty.
One extravagant Whore
Will coſt a Man more
Then Twenty good Wives that are ſaving,
For Wives they will ſpare
That their Children may ſhare,
But Whores are eternally craving.

Appendix D.2

[89]
THE Man who for Life
Is plagu'd with a Wife
Is ſure in a wretched Condition,
Go Things how they will,
She ſticks by him ſtill,
And Death is his only Phyſician,
Poor Man, &c.
To Trifle and Toy
May give a Man Joy
When ſummon'd by Love or by Beauty,
But where is the Bliſs
Of a Conjugal Kiſs,
When Paſſion is prompted by Duty?
Poor Man, &c.
The Dog when poſſeſs'd
Of Mutton the beſt
A Bone he may leave at his Pleaſure;
But if to his Tail
'Tis ty'd, without fail
He's harraſs'd and plagu'd beyond Meaſure.
Poor Curr, &c.
FINIS.
Notes
*
The Mock Doctor.
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TextGrid Repository (2016). TEI. 5091 Cupid and Hymen or a voyage to the isles of love and matrimony Translated from the French original To which is added The batchelor s estimate of the expences attending a married life The mar. . University of Oxford, License: Distributed by the University of Oxford under a Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported License [http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/]. https://hdl.handle.net/11378/0000-0005-DBA4-B