CHAP. I.

IT is the misfortune of all great writers, to put pen to paper ſo faſt, and let their imaginations carry them away in ſuch a hurry, that they ſeldom conſider whether their readers comprehenſions will be able to gallop af⯑ter them poſt-haſte, without being out of breath, to the end of the firſt chapter, even tho' it ſhould not contain above a [4] dozen lines. And it is as great an er⯑ror in judgment, — nay, worſe than that which Byng was ſhot for, to put too much wit in any production that is in⯑tended for univerſal reading — I ſay, univerſal reading: for, beſides the opi⯑nion of one of the greateſt writers of this or the laſt age, I cannot ſay which, ‘"that a reader ſhould have as much wit as the author he reads, to under⯑ſtand him;"’—which I flatter myſelf is ſeldom the caſe. I ſpeak as an author, and therefore ſhould be allowed a little va⯑nity: I ſay, beſides this generally received doctrine, how can we tell what different kinds of wit prevail with all the readers in the univerſe; — to go no further than the antipodes, it is a thouſand to one, whether they would underſtand a pun, or the beſt bon-mot in all Triſtram Shandy: — and for aught I can tell, in [5] the moon, and ſome other of the illite⯑rate planets, they may have exploded every kind of true wit mentioned by Addiſon. It is evidently for this reaſon, that in moſt of the periodical works, which are reckoned univerſal, and parti⯑cularly the magazines, we are very ſel⯑dom troubled with any thing but plain good ſenſe, the beſt method of making water-gruel, and fattening of capons; which may be of uſe, and underſtood all over the world.

CHAP. II.

MY good friend, and arch compa⯑nion Mr. Triſtram Shandy, gentle⯑men, who makes ſuch honourable men⯑tion of my learned father, the celebrated doctor Kunaſtrokius, of phyſical me⯑mory [6] ^* has fallen into this very miſtake that I have juſt been mentioning; and, by a certain ſubtility of thinking, and quaint⯑neſs of expreſſion, the beauties and ex⯑cellencies of his work, may not only be paſſed over by many of the inhabitants of Aſia-minor, Monomotapa, ſome of the Mickmacs, Cherokees, and Catawbas, but, at leaſt, by ſeven hundred and fifty of the inhabitants of London, and Weſt⯑minſter, the Borough of Southwark, and parts adjacent.

This computation, which I did not make myſelf, may appear at firſt, ſome⯑what too exact, but the reader may be perſuaded I have it from the beſt autho⯑rity, —my printer, who aſſures me, I can⯑not ſell more or leſs than that num⯑ber: [7] I own I was at firſt of another opinion, and therefore ordered him to print twenty thouſand; but he ſoon con⯑vinced me of my miſtake, by the cart⯑loads of waſte-paper in his ſhop, ſo that I now ſet down to write for the ſeven hundred and fifty incomprehenſible readers of Triſtram Shandy, in and about the pur⯑licus of this metropolis, — and no other.

CHAP III.

TO them be it known, then, that Mr. Triſtram Shandy is one of the greateſt moraliſts, and moſt refined poli⯑ticians this, or any other age whatever has produced.

CHAP. IV.

BEFORE we enter upon the illuſ⯑tration of theſe round aſſertions, it will be neceſſary to point out the qualifi⯑cations of a moraliſt. He ſhould have a fundamental knowledge of ethics, or that ſcience which fixes the oeconomy and conduct of human Life, that teaches the regulation of the paſſions, and in⯑ſtructs men to be happy, by practiſing all the ſocial virtues. He ſhould know how to adapt theſe rules to the various ſubjects he treats of, and point out ſuch evident and uncontrovertable concluſions in favour of morality, as every unbiaſſed reader muſt be ſenſible of the effect.

CHAP. V.

A Moraliſt has generally one, two, three, four, five, ſix, and ſome⯑times more things in view. Thoſe of the ſingular number, write for writing's ſake: thoſe of the firſt plural number, invert the rule of oeconomy, ‘"a penny ſaved is a penny got,"’ and think, that in getting a penny, they do more than ſave one they have not, — ſo that they make writing and eating go hand in hand. The triple number have gene⯑rally ſome new moral doctrine to broach, and, with the two former con-commit⯑tants, add, that of ſelf-opiniated public ſervice. Then come the controvertiſts to theſe, and the recontrovertiſts, with [10] their anſwers, replies, and rejoinders, ad infinitum. ———But, before I launch out any further in the definition of a moral writer, I muſt inform my ſeven hundred and fifty readers that Mr. Triſtram Shandy is not among any of theſe claſſes. — He ſtands by himſelf upon the top ſhelf of ethics, — tho' but in twelves, —unrivalled, — inimitable, — and (to my ſeven hun⯑dred and fifty incomprehenſible readers) incomprehenſible. He muſt, therefore, be more fully explained than any of the foregoing moraliſts, — and, for that rea⯑ſon, I allow him beſt part of the follow⯑ing ſheets for his public defence to the moral world.

CHAP. VI.

THE firſt evident mark of Mr. Triſtram's morals (which indeed [11] is no farther than the third page) is what he puts into his mother's mouth upon his father's regularity in winding up the houſe clock. Regularity every one knows is the corner-ſtone of virtue—and virtue is the foundation of morality— Thus far, then, Mr. Shandy goes on in a moral track to give us the hiſtory of his anti-birth.

But what does the winding up of the clock allude to—and how comes it this thought always entered his mother's head once a month? This he very natu⯑rally accounts for by an aſſemblage of ideas, according to Locke; and what⯑ever it may want in decency, he very no⯑tably makes up by ſound philoſophy and his little men ^* in embrio—according [12] to the oeconomy of human life, and conſiſtant with moral duties.

CHAP. VII.

IT would be difficult for me, and te⯑dious for my readers, to trace Mr. Triſtram Shandy through every part of his moral character: I ſhall therefore con⯑fine myſelf to ſuch traits as are the moſt ſtriking (tho' not ſelf-evident) and leaſt underſtood.

Among theſe the following paſſage ſeems next to claim our attention. ‘"The rituals direct the baptizing of the child, in caſe of danger, before it is born; but upon this proviſo, that ſome part or other of the child's body be ſeen by the baptiſer: but the [13] doctors of the Sorbonne, by delibera⯑tion, held amongſt them April 10, 1733, have enlarged the powers of the midwives, by determining, that though no part of the child's body ſhould appear, — that baptiſm ſhall nevertheleſs be adminiſtered to it by injection by means of a little ſquirt. 'Tis very ſtrange that St. Thomas Aquinas, who had ſo good a mecha⯑nical head, both for tying and untying, the knots of ſchool-divinity, ſhould, after ſo much pains beſtowed upon this—give up the point at laſt, as a thing impoſſible."’

Here follows the queſtion upon bap⯑tiſm, with the conſultation of the doctors of the Sorbonne thereupon in French; but as Mr. Shandy has not favoured us with a tranſlation, and as very likely [14] ſome of my incomprehenſible readers may not underſtand that language, I have ren⯑dered it in Engliſh.—Thoſe of my rea⯑ders, who (notwithſtanding their incom⯑prehenſibility) have a ſmattering of the Gallican tongue, and fancy they com⯑prehend the whole affair in the original, have nothing to do but ſkip to chapter 9, and fancy there is no ſuch thing as chapter 8 in this whole book,—I mean volume.

CHAP. VIII.

A Memorial preſented to the doctors of the Sorbonne. ‘"A Sur⯑geon and man-midwife repreſents to the gentlemen of the Sorbonne, that there are ſome caſes, though very un⯑common, wherein a mother cannot [15] be delivered, and when even the child is ſo incloſed in the mother's womb, that no part of it's body appears, in which caſe, according to the rituals, baptiſm ſhould be conferred to it, at leaſt, upon conditions. The ſurgeon, who makes this repreſentation, en⯑gages, by means of a ſyringe, to baptize immediately the child, with⯑out any way hurting the mother. The queſtion he aſks is, whether this method he propoſes, is allowable and legal, and if he may follow it in a caſe parallel to that which he repre⯑ſents?"’

The anſwer to the foregoing memo⯑rial:

‘"The council is of opinion, that the queſtion propoſed has many difficulties [16] to be firſt removed. The theologiſts have on one ſide eſtabliſhed a princi⯑ple, that baptiſm, which is a ſpiritual birth, ſuppoſes a prior birth; we muſt be born into the world to be re⯑born in Jeſus Chriſt, according to their doctrine. St. Thomas, part. 3. quaeſt. 88. article 11. follows this opinion as an eſtabliſhed fact: we cannot (ſays that holy doctor) baptize children which are incloſed in their mothers wombs. By this St. Thomas means theſe children are not born, and there⯑fore cannot be reckoned amongſt o⯑ther men: from whence he infers they cannot be the object of an exter⯑nal action, to receive thereby the ſa⯑craments neceſſary to ſalvation: Pu⯑eri in maternis uteris exiſtentes non⯑dum prodicerunt in lucem ut cum aliis hominibus vitam ducant, unde [17] non poſſunt ſubjici actioni humanae, ut per corum miniſterum ſacramenta recipiant ad ſalutem. The rituals enforce the practice of what theoli⯑giſts have regulated upon thoſe heads and they unanimouſly prohibit the bap⯑tiſing of children which are incloſed in their mothers wombs, if no part of their bodies appears. The concur⯑rence of the theologiſts and the ri⯑tuals, which are the rules of the dio⯑ceſſes, ſeems to eſtabliſh an authority neceſſary to anſwer the preſent queſ⯑ſtion: however, the council of con⯑ſcience, conſidering on the one hand, that the reaſonings of the theologiſts is entirely founded upon their deſire of conformity, and that the prohibi⯑tion of the rituals, ſuppoſes, that chil⯑dren ſo incloſed, cannot be baptized in their mothers wombs, which is againſt the preſent ſuppoſition; and, [18] on the other hand, conſidering that the ſame theologians teach, that the Sacraments which Jeſus Chriſt has eſta⯑bliſhed, as the eaſy, but neceſſary means of ſanctifying man, may be hazarded; and beſides, ſuppoſing that children incloſed in their mothers wombs are capable of ſalvation, as they are liable to damnation; upon theſe conſiderations, and having an eye to the memorial, wherein it is aſ⯑ſured, that a certain method is found out, of baptizing children thus in⯑cloſed, without occaſioning the leaſt prejudice to the mother; the council imagines, that the means propoſed may be made uſe of, in the belief that God has not left this kind of children without any reſource, and ſuppoſing, according to the repreſen⯑tation, that the means there propoſed are porper to procure them baptiſm, [19] nevertheleſs, as by authorizing the propoſed practice, a rule univerſally eſtabliſhed muſt be cancelled, the council thinks, that the memoraliſt ſhould make application to his biſhop, whoſe province it is to judge of the utility and danger of the method pro⯑poſed, and as (under the direction of the biſhop) the council thinks that re⯑courſe ſhould be had to the pope, in whom the right of explaining the laws of the church, and of derogating therefrom, where they cannot be ex⯑ecuted, is inveſted: and, however in⯑genious and uſeful the manner of bap⯑tiſm here propoſed may be, the council cannot give their approbation to it, without the concurrence of theſe two authorities. The memoraliſt is, at leaſt, adviſed to apply to his biſhop, and to inform him of the preſent de⯑ciſion, that in caſe the prelate ſhould [20] coincide with the reaſons, whereupon the under-ſigned have founded their opinions, he may be authorized in caſes of neceſſity, when too much time may be loſt to aſk permiſſion, and have it granted, for following the method propoſed, ſo advantageous to the child's ſalvation. The council has nothing further to add, than, that notwithſtanding they believe this me⯑thod may be purſued, are neverthe⯑leſs of opinion, that in caſe the chil⯑dren in queſtion ſhould come into the world, contrary to the expectation of thoſe who have uſed this method, it would be neceſſary to baptize them upon condition; and this is conform⯑able to all the rituals, which in autho⯑rizing the baptiſm of a child, ſome part of whoſe body appears, enjoins at the ſame time, and orders it's baptiſm [21] upon condition, in caſe it comes happily into the world."’

CHAP. IX.

I Suppoſe, by this time every one of my readers (French readers, or En⯑gliſh readers) underſtands clearly and perſpicuouſly, the repreſentation or me⯑morial of the French man-midwife, and the anſwer of the doctors of the Sorbonne thereto; and in this opinion too (before any Engliſh tranſlation is given) Mr. Triſtram Shandy gives his compliments to thoſe doctors, in the following words,

[22] ‘"Mr. Triſtram Shandy's compliments to Meſſrs. Le Moyne, De Romigny and De Marcilly, hopes they all reſted well the night after ſo tireſome a conſulta⯑tion. — He begs to know, whether, after the ceremony of marriage, and before that of conſummation, the bap⯑tizing all the HOMUNCULI at once, ſlap-daſh, by injection, would not be a ſhorter and ſafer cut ſtill; on con⯑dition, as above, that if the HO⯑MUNCULI do well, and come ſafe into the world after this, that each and every of them ſhall be baptized again (on condition) —— and provided, in the ſecond place, that the thing can be done, which Mr. Shandy appre⯑hends it may, by means of a ſyringe, and without any prejudice to the fa⯑ther."’

[23]This, and the foregoing paſſages, are what I propoſe labouring hard to reſcue from the claws of moral (though pſeudo) critics, who would inſinuate, that they are not only directly inconſiſtent with all morality, but evidently antichriſtian. As to you, my worthy (though incomprehenſi⯑ble) readers, I dare ſay, no ſuch thoughts ever entered your brain, nor indeed how ſhould they, for what immorality can there be in giving the ſubſtance of a the⯑ological diſpute, eſpecially when every thing that can poſſibly give offence is ex⯑preſſed in a foreign tongue?

The latter part of this concluſion, or query, or whatever you pleaſe to call it, I do not ſo much inſiſt upon, as in that caſe I ſhould ſhare the guilt, if there were any, with my friend Triſtram [24] Shandy, for having expoſed him in Eng⯑liſh. Therefore, having ſaid all I can ſay, in defence of his morals and ortho⯑doxy, in this reſpect, I beg you will conclude with me, that in this part he no way deviates from his general moral character.

This, I think, is reaſoning (ay, and ſound reaſoning too) enough for one chapter — and ſo we proceed to the next.

CHAP. X.

THIS chapter, though entirely up⯑on modeſty, cannot properly be called a modeſt chapter, notwithſtanding there is very little of the author's vanity [25] in it: therefore any of my ſeven hundred and fifty readers (being females) may paſs it over, if they chuſe it, and my lazy readers in particular, (of either gender, the epicene not excluded) are carefully recommended to avoid it, as perhaps after all they will have occaſion to re⯑cur to a dictionary, or be obliged to ſay their A, B, C, numerically before they underſtand it.

——‘"Then it can be out of nothing in the world, quoth my uncle Toby, in the ſimplicity of his heart — but MODESTY.—My ſiſter, I dare ſay, added he, does not care to let a man come ſo near her ****."’ ^*

One would be inclined to imagine, that a man of my friend Triſtram's ſtrict [26] morals had concluded the ſentence be⯑fore the aſteriſms, and that they were a meer error of the preſs, though they had run through two editions, if he had not immediately after added:

—‘"My ſiſter, may hap," quoth my uncle Toby, "does not chuſe to let a man come ſo near her ****, make this daſh,—'tis an apoſiopeſis—Take the daſh away, and write backſide — 'tis bawdy. — Scratch backſide out, and put cover'd way in,—'tis a meta⯑phor;—and I dare ſay, as fortification ran ſo much in my uncle Toby's head, that if he had been left to have added one word to the ſentence,—that word was it."’ ^†

[27]Notwithſtanding my ſtrict reliance up⯑on Triſtram's veracity, and my great o⯑pinion of his uncle Toby's purity of ex⯑preſſion, I cannot be induced to believe that his uncle Toby either ſaid backſide, bawdy or not bawdy, or was metaphori⯑cally inclined to expreſs himſelf in a co⯑vered way.—Naked truth, I believe, he thought the beſt—four aſteriſms are but four aſteriſms — and ever ſince aſteriſms have been in uſe, we have always been taught that their number ſhould be ſup⯑plied by a like number of letters to make out the ſenſe.

Curious, indefatigable, unbluſhing rea⯑ders, conſider what letters will properly ſupply the place, without infringing up⯑on the ſenſe.—Mind I have already ex⯑ploded uncle Toby's "backſide" and "covered way."—What do you think [28] of head? there are but four letters in this word —Ay, but it will not do, it is quite oppoſite to the author's meaning.— Arm and leg have but three letters, and be hanged to them.—Thigh comes near it, but then there is a letter too many. —I have it—the third, the twentieth, the thirteenth, and the nineteenth letters of the Engliſh alphabet certainly compoſe the word, though it is not to be found in any Lexicon extant—I hope.

CHAP. XI.

THIS chapter I intend to devote en⯑tirely to hobby horſes.

A hobby-horſe is a machine which boys (ay, and girls too) frequently ſit aſtride upon, and which going up and down affords them much amuſement.

[29]Mr. Triſtram Shandy's hobby-horſe I take to be ****, (four aſteriſms) as ex⯑plained Chap. X. and his favourite ar⯑gument the argumentum ad rem, as he ap⯑plies it in page 139, volume the 1ſt of his work.

My hobby-horſe is a gooſe quill, upon which I have rode through life to this period, and by which I hope to get hobby-horſically to my journey's end without much fatigue.

N. B. My hobby-horſe never goes on ſo briſkly as upon a journey of preſcrip⯑tions and receipts—for, inſtead of paying upon the firſt road, I receive toll; and the laſt excurſion I ſeldom make but for the ſale of ſome young hobby, the offspring of my gooſe quill, which never ſtum⯑bles without I meet with a lady, when [30] I get out of the way of the two firſt ſyllables of my name, and canter on ſimple Strokius—though to be ſure there is no more reſemblance between a K and a C, than there is between my hobby-horſe and a lady's pad.

CHAP XII.

THE foregoing chapters will give my readers a very competent idea of Mr. Triſtram Shandy's morality and religion; for though there may be ſome few ſlips of the pen, particularly where the four aſteriſms are left to ſupply the place of a word, the drift of this work evidently appears to be moral and ortho⯑dox, particularly the laſt, which is mani⯑feſtly evinced by his ſcheme of baptizing, ſlap daſh (to uſe his own words) all man⯑kind, [31] even before they are born, and thereby prevent any heretical, or ſchiſ⯑matical opinions (except in matters of faith) whatever.

CHAP. XIII.

I AM now going to conſider my friend Triſtram Shandy as a politician— or rather, as he is conſidered by the greateſt politicians of Europe, Aſia, Africa, and America.

This, it muſt be owned, is an arduous taſk; — but my title page is already printed, and I cannot deviate from it; but before I begin, I make this ſolemn proteſtation, that if any of the writers of our weekly political papers, either com⯑poſed of a ſheet and a half, to avoid the [32] payment of duty, — or in the form of a journal, whereby a whole week's news is, beſides a political eſſay, ſucked in at the eaſy charge of two-pence half-penny, — or in the ſhape of a chronicle, where piracies do manifeſtly abound: — I ſay, if any printers, publiſhers, editors, com⯑pilers, writers, authors, — whether garet⯑teers, firſt floorers, houſe keepers, cha⯑riot-keepers, ſhop-keepers, ſtall-keepers, or cellar-keepers — hawkers, and chap⯑men, do, in manifeſt oppoſition to this my will, dare to borrow, rob, ſteal, quote, cite, mention, hint —(except in my own genteel advertiſement) from, of, or that —— there is ſuch a book in eſſe as this preſent volume — I hereby declare ſo⯑lemnly — I believe I ſhall proſecute them; — and that I certainly will never give them, or either of them, reſpective⯑ly, a good introductory letter, or eſſay, [33] or ſo much as a paragraph, or hint, con⯑cerning ſuch things as no one elſe can be acquainted with but myſelf, — thoſe are my ideas: nay, I furthermore declare, — I will never read, peruſe, run-over, or look upon, in any light whatever, their papers, &c. &c. &c. reſpectively; — but give my opinion — which goes a great way (with myſelf) right or wrong, — and damn them all.

N. B. Every part of this, and theſe foregoing chapters, extends to all the magazines (which I did intend to allot a chapter to enumerate) as well as the reviews, — without they make very fa⯑vourable mention of me, and this my elaborate work.

CHAP. XIV.

A Politician is truly an amphibious animal, — and in England he is more inclined to the herring than the mon⯑key; — it is quite otherwiſe in France, where it is more requiſite for a profeſſed politicans to have learnt to dance, than to have read Machiavel, for his arguments are better enforced by a caper, — a pas grave, or a baloné, than by the moſt Syl⯑logiſtic logic of all the ſchools, Un poli⯑tique de Paris, (that is, a Paris politician) enters a coffee room with a pas de paſſe pié, makes three entrechae at the front looking-glaſs, goes up to the group, tells them, with a ſignificant air, ‘"nous F——ns bien le tour aux Anglois cette campaigne — ces fiers inſulaires ſauront, bien tôt faire reſpect au genie [35] militaire de la France,"’ ^*—he cuts two capers and retires, whilſt the multitude are admiring his profound knowledge of the intereſt of princes, and every one agrees, that ‘"Monſieur a bien raiſon," "the orator was quite in the right."’

CHAP. XV.

IN England, every coffee-houſe has its preſident, who harrangues the circle that catch his opinions, and ſupport them in their different diſtricts. —— ‘"Why, Sir, I repeat it, what have we to do with continental connections? — Are not our ſhips, our floating bulwarks, [36] our only protection? — Could the king of —, in return for all the aſſiſtance we have given him, have made ſuch a diverſion as the brave captain Elliot did, in St. George's chan⯑nel?"’ I ſay, Sir, would all the german princes put together, have defeated Thu⯑rot? ‘"Is not our trade, and our navi⯑gation, the ſubject of this war, — and what is our navigation to the inland parts of Germany?—trifling,—I repeat it very trifling. And yet neglect the herring fiſhery, — that Peruvian ſea-mine! and ſcarce pay any attention to thoſe ela⯑borate and well digeſted ſchemes of the great Henriques!"’ —— The learn⯑ed, deep ſighted, clear witted, eloquent preſident of ——— coffee-houſe, after having made this popular and ſagacious harrangue — laid hold of my worthy friend Mr. Triſtram Shandy, — ‘"Here, (ſays he) here is the man after my [37] own heart, — whoſe political notions are as clear and ſelf-evident as my own. — There is the touchſtone of public meaſures, — the whetſtone of trade and navigation, and the grind-ſtone of malverſation."’

CHAP. XVI.

SOME of my incomprehenſible rea⯑ders may be greatly ſurprized, at find⯑ing themſelves got into ſuch unexpected good company and being conveyed, even without a paſſport (whilſt we are in the midſt of a war with France) from London to Paris, there dip into a political conver⯑ſation with one of their greateſt politici⯑ans; got back ſafe to England, without being put into the Baſtile, for diſſenting with him in his political opinions, and [38] holding French faith, French generals, French admirals, as well as French miniſ⯑ers, in the higheſt contempt; then tran⯑ſported into one of our moſt oratorial coffee-houſes, and become auditors to a ſecond Cicero, and a third Demoſthenes.

All this ſhall be explained to you in a few words. — It was neceſſary — how elſe could I have illuſtrated my aſſertion, that a politician is an amphibious animal?— How elſe could I have demonſtrated, that he has more of the monkey in him in France, and more of the herring in him in England? As to the Pariſian, we dropt him a chapter or two ago, but we have not yet done with Cicero or Demoſ⯑thenes (which ever you pleaſe to call him.) You ſhall have ſome more converſation with him preſently; and take my word for it, he is, abſtracted from oratory, a very ſhrewd, ſenſible fellow, and accord⯑ing [39] to the common ſaying, ‘"ſees as far into a mill-ſtone as another man."’

CHAP. XVII.

IT may be neceſſary to inform ſome of my readers, that we are not yet got out of ——— coffee-houſe, in ——— ſtreet:—No—here we are yet, as atten⯑tive as ever to Mr. Profound, (that is the gentleman's name in the black full bot⯑tom wig, and the green ſpectacles) who has by this time thrown down a diſh of coffee in enforcing his argument upon the touch-ſtones, whet-ſtones, and grind-ſtones; taken two pinches of ſnuff, and opened Triſtram Shandy exactly at page 135.

[40] ‘"Was I an abſolute prince, he would ſay, pulling up his breeches with both his hands, as he roſe from his arm chair, I would appoint able judges at every avenue of my metropolis, who ſhould take cognizance of every fools buſineſs who came there,—and if, up⯑on a fair and candid hearing, it ap⯑peared not of weight ſufficient to leave his own home and come up, bag and baggage, with his wife and children, farmers ſons, &c. &c. at his back, they ſhould all be ſent back, from conſtable to conſtable, like vagrants as they were, to the place of their le⯑gal ſettlements. By this means I ſhall take care that my metropolis tottered not through its own weight, that the head be no longer too big for the body; that the extremes now waſted, and pin'd in, be reſtored to their due [41] ſhare of nouriſhment, and regain with it their natural ſtrength and beauty: —I would effectually provide that the meadows and corn fields of my domi⯑nions ſkould laugh and ſing."’ Oh excellent metaphor, cried Mr. Pro⯑found, (in extaſy) worthy of the great pen from whence it flows! —— ‘"That good chear and hoſpitality flouriſh once more; — and that ſuch weight and influence be put thereby into the hands of the ſquirality of my king⯑dom, as ſhould counterpoiſe what I perceive my nobility are now taking from them."’ Great—Great Triſtram! — and ſee how elegantly he illuſtrates this immediately after.

‘"Why are there ſo few palaces and gentlemens ſeats, he would aſk, with ſome emotion, as he walked acroſs [42] the room, throughout ſo many delici⯑ous provinces in France? whence is it that the few remaining chateaus a⯑mongſt them are ſo diſmantled, ſo un⯑furniſhed, and in ſo ruinous and deſo⯑late a condition? — Becauſe, Sir, he would ſay, in that kingdom no man has any country intereſt to ſupport;— the little intereſt of any kind, which any man has any where in it, is con⯑centrated in the court, and the looks of the grand monarch, by the ſun⯑ſhine of whoſe countenance, or the clouds, which paſs acro [...]s it, every French man lives or dies."’

Here Mr. Profound made a pauſe, after which — he addreſſed himſelf to us —Well, gentlemen, what do you think of this great political writer—you may talk of your Machiavel's, and your Som⯑mers's, [43] and your Burnet's — But what are they when compared to him: how clearly he ſtates the caſe when he has a mind for it, and then again when he chuſes to ſcreen himſelf in a kind of pa⯑rable, how elegantly he does it. ‘"Ano⯑ther political reaſon (ſays Triſtram) prompted my father ſo ſtrongly to guard againſt the leaſt evil accident in my mother's lying-in in the coun⯑try, — was, That any ſuch inſtance would infallibly throw a balance of power, too great already, into the weaker veſſels of the gentry, in his own or higher ſtations;—which, with the many uſurped rights which that part of the conſtitution was hourly eſtabliſhing,—would, in the end, prove fatal to the monarchical ſyſtem of do⯑meſtic government eſtabliſhed in the firſt creation of things by God."’

[44]What can he mean here, (reſumed Mr. Profound) but pecuniary influence in elections, particularly in boroughs? and yet there is not one in a hundred takes it in that ſenſe. I tell you, gen⯑tlemen, Triſtram Shandy is one compleat ſyſtem of modern politics, and that to underſtand him, there is as much occa⯑ſion for a key, as there is for a catalogue to the Harleian library: I own, that I ſhould not myſelf have penetrated ſo far as I have, notwithſtanding my great reading in works of this nature, if I had not had the opportunity of ſupping the other evening with the author, who let me into the whole affair. I adviſed him to publiſh a key, but he told me it was too dangerous.——What is the Siege of Namur, which he often mentions, but the Siege of Fort St. Philip's in Mi⯑norca? [45] — or, the wound his uncle Toby received there but the diſtreſs the nation was thrown into thereupon? His appli⯑cation to the ſtudy of fortification, and the knowledge he therein gained, means nothing elſe but the rectitude and clear ſightedneſs of the adminiſtration which afterwards took up the reins of govern⯑ment. This is a maſter piece of allego⯑ry, beyond all the poets of this or any pe⯑riod whatever. There is but one fault to be found with Mr. Triſtram Shandy as a politician—that is making Yorick's horſe ſo lean—but then he is armed at all points —I think too he ſhould have told us the horſe was white, to have made the ſym⯑bolical application: — but he did not dare declare himſelf ſo openly upon this head—he told me ſo. Gentlemen, (con⯑tinued he) I will only read to you one paſſage more, and leave you to make [46] your remarks—‘"In a word, he would ſay, error was error, no matter where it fell, whether in a fraction or a pound—'twas alike fatal to truth, and ſhe was kept down at the bottom of her well as inevitably by a miſtake in the duſt of a butterfly's wing—as in the diſk of the ſun, the moon, and all the ſtars of heaven put together.— He would often lament that it was for want of conſidering this properly; and of applying it ſkilfully to civil matters, as well as to ſpeculative truths, that ſo many things in this world were;—that the political arch was giving way,"’ (do you obſerve, gentlemen, how forcibly he ſpeaks here) ‘and that the very foundation of our excellent conſtitution in church and ſtate were ſo ſapped as eſtimators re⯑ported."’

CHAP. XVIII.

WHEN Mr. Profound had got thus far, a fit of coughing took him, which I was apprehenſive would very near have carried him off, — I wait⯑ed with great patience near a quarter of an hour till he had recovered himſelf, in expectation of having gained from him an explanation of this paſſage, which he certainly would have given, notwith⯑ſtanding he told us in the beginning he would leave us to our own reflecti⯑—ons; but how unluckily mortifying was it, both for you and me, readers, that after the fit left him, there was not a ſufficient number of auditors re⯑maining to form a committee, and Mr. Profound went away as much out of temper with his cough as with his com⯑pany. [48] I have regularly attended the houſe for above a fortnight paſt, in ex⯑pectation of meeting him, when (tears ſpeak my grief!) I yeſterday learned he died the night before — and all my hopes of an explanation of this paſſage are at an end.

I propoſe erecting here a monument to the memory of Profound, in the ſame manner as Triſtram has to that of Yorick.

I have juſt received the mortifying news, that my printer has never a black [49] copper-plate to ſubjoin; but I have de⯑ſired him to borrow Triſtram's of his printer, and if he will but lend it, you may depend upon being as well amuſed and enlightened here, as you were in read⯑ing the ſeventy third and ſeven fourth pages of the 1ſt volume of Triſtram Shandy.

CHAP. XIX.

I Told you, incomprehenſible readers (you know your number by this time) what a clever fellow Profound was, ſo that I hope you did not loſe a word that he ſaid; but if you think that there was only a ſingle ſyllable that you did not attend to, I inſiſt upon your returning back to the three preceding chapters, as you will ſwear, elſe, I have not ful⯑filled the promiſe of my title page, ‘"ex⯑plaining [50] the politics of Triſtram,"’ which can be done no other way, than in the words of my deceaſed friend. Friend! did I ſay? Yes, I repeat it, a great friend! and what is more and difficult to believe, a political friend! who has en⯑abled me to throw ſuch light upon our author, and clear the underſtandings of ſeven hundred and fifty incomprehenſible readers.

CHAP. XX.

THUS much for Mr. Triſtram Shandy's politics.

CHAP. XXI.

SOME of the moſt comprehenſible of my readers muſt have obſerved, that I have ſcattered very little Greek and Latin about this work, and that I have even made ſhift with an Engliſh motto, notwithſtanding a claſſical one is ſo eſſen⯑tial to the well underſtanding and recom⯑mending a book, even though of this conſequence. —To be honeſt, I muſt own, that none of the family of the Ku⯑naſtrokius's were any great Grecians, — and, as to Latin, I always found it a very ſaleable commodity at the phyſical-market. But if any of my readers ſhould be deſirous to divert themſelves with a Greek or Latin quotation, I would ad⯑viſe them to read me with Homer, Hero⯑dotus, Virgil, Horace, and a few more of [52] the claſſics by their ſides, and if they un⯑derſtand them, not elſe, — they have no⯑thing to do, but now and then dip into one or other of them, and pleaſe them⯑ſelves, and ſave me a great deal of un⯑neceſſary trouble.

CHAP. XXII.

THIS chapter is intirely upon pro⯑priety, and muſt, therefore, of courſe, (with or without a pun) be a very proper chapter.

Digreſſions are the ſoul of a work, as Mr. Triſtram Shandy has very judiciouſly diſcovered, and he has as tenaciouſly ad⯑hered to this diſcovery; — wherefore, he may, with the greateſt propriety, be ſtiled the king of epiſodical writers.

[53]As to abſurdities, it is abſurd to ſup⯑poſe, there can be any in a work of hu⯑mour, — true humour I mean. — I ap⯑peal to all and every one of my incompre⯑henſible readers, if there be any abſurdity in the work now before them: — I will anſwer for you all in one word — none. In regard to my friend Triſtram, what are generally reckoned abſurdities in him, are his greateſt beauties — Though he ridicules plates and cuts by a ridiculous ſtamp, may he not, with great propriety prefix a frontiſpiece to his ſecond edi⯑tion? — Every one muſt own, that a frontiſpiece, when executed by a maſter⯑ly hand, is an embelliſhment to a work; — and who can be ſo out of the way, as to find fault with an embelliſhment, which evidently inhances the value of the production?

[54]Again, with reſpect to dedications.— Though that in the middle of his firſt volume certainly means (if any thing) a burleſque upon dedications of what na⯑ture ſo ever, yet we find in his ſecond edition, he has dedicated this moral-po⯑litical (not bawdy, ludicrous, as ſome may imagine it) piece, to one of the moſt re⯑ſpectable characters in England. — But who can take offence at it?

What I have ſaid in this chapter con⯑cerning Mr. Triſtram Shandy's propriety, ſets ſome of the miſtaken errors of that work in the cleareſt points of light, in which my readers (incomprehenſible as they are) muſt certainly view them.

CHAP. XXIII.

LIKE moſt other writers, when I have nothing more to ſay, I draw near a concluſion; but as it is neceſſary, for ſeveral reaſons which I could explain if I choſe (but not having promiſed it in my title page I am not compelled to it,) to eke out another chapter, I muſt ſay ſomething, if it be only to contradict what I have hitherto ſaid;—but this I ſhall not do, and ſo continue as follows:

If, after all, I have not ſufficiently cleared my friend Triſtram Shandy, from any attacks of the falſe critics, for want of morals, or for any ſmall hereſy in po⯑litics: — no part of this can be laid to his charge, — as he was then unborn, as he ſtill remains, in a literal ſenſe.

[56]But to wave all conſiderations of this nature, my readers, as incomprehenſible as they are, muſt have perceived e'er now, that Triſtram Shandy is the moſt ex⯑cellent (I was going to ſay — eſt, by way of a ſuperlative ſuperlative, ſuitable to the occaſion) piece that has appeared for many years; beſides, according to Hu⯑bras,——

— The worth of every thing, Is juſt as much as it will bring, — and this is the deareſt production to the bookſeller, if not to the public, that has appeared for near half a centry.